At the school gates recently, a few of my mum friends and I gathered to collect our children. One of the many things I adore about women, is our ability to cut through the BS and say things as they really are.
Within moments our conversation quickly delved beneath the pleasantries and straight to how we were actually feeling. All of us in our 40s had many topics to bring to the table but most of which were describing the hellish pathway through perimenopause into menopause.
We are all at different stages along this road but in strangely familiar territory too. Fatigue, brain fog, hot sweats, aches and pains, anxiety, palpitations, mood swings, hair loss, random, sparse or heavy menstrual cycles…you know, the fun stuff. Sometimes, just knowing someone is going through it too is enough to persevere through another random day in this next chapter.
“Don’t regret growing older. It’s a privilege denied to many.”
I’m reminded of this quote every time I am teetering on the edge of moaning about an ailment of some kind. We are told that women have been going through menopause for years and that they just get on with it. Well, that’s quite right but just because we do that very thing, doesn’t mean it’s easy or what we are going through is trivial. All of us ladies will go through it at some point. Some will glide through with barely a blip. Some will suffer terribly with really scary symptoms that last for days, weeks and months. It’s pure roulette. You never know. The best any of us can hope for is that we are surrounded by loving support.
Menopause also marks the end of our childbearing years. Welcome news for some. A crushing blow to others, especially those affected by early menopause. Perimenopause is the stage prior to menopause and it is no cakewalk. This period of time with all its delightful problems can last up to 10 years. 10 years!
To hear my fellow mums talk so freely about their daily struggles was a relief. Perimenopause can also make you feel a bit nuts. You don’t even feel like your old self and when you look in the mirror, you are reminded of the same. That’s thanks to our good friend collagen deciding to pack her bags and bugger off! She has been slowly moving out since we hit 30 and by the time our 40s have come, her plump drawers full of bouncy belongings are looking bare!
As I found out recently, injuries don’t heal as quickly, things that used to have no effect whatsoever now leave me feeling fragile…working out, having a few too many etc etc.
As teenagers it’s understood that our bodies are changing and we are going through a lot mentally and physically. On the other side of that ride, we are also wading through another cluster of change but it’s assumed that as adults, it will be a breeze. What if it’s not?
For me having scarily heavy periods, that make me afraid to leave the house, is less than pleasant. Feeling hot from the moment I wake up, throwing opening all the windows in an effort to bathe in much needed fresh air; while the remaining members of my family huddle round a radiator. Washing my hair, only to put clumps that have fallen out in the bin, is heart breaking. Watching my once thick hair become so thin on one side, that having a centre parting is no longer an option. Is a comb over still a thing? The anxiety and palpitations can be relentless. 10 years they say…is that all.
I was encouraged by my friend’s open dialogue the other day. Others soon joined our group and confessed their struggles on hearing our conversation. As some of my friends embark on their first experiences with HRT, I want to say to all ladies out there. Just talk. Talk to your friends, family and colleagues as you feel the need. We don’t have to muddle through in silence. Women have been doing this for years and we will also get through it but we can choose how we do that. If the choice is alone and in silence or with friends walking beside us, I choose the latter.
Watching ourselves change in the mirror can be hard. Privilege or not, getting older isn’t easy, especially if the passing of time has left you with chronic illness, disability or loss. The best way through for me is with company. Not everyone will understand or be at the same stage you are, so if your conversation falls flat, know that it’s not what you brought to the table but who you brought it too.
For example, chatting to my husband about perimenopause is a complete waste of time. He is lovely but this isn’t where his strengths lie and seeing his confused/disinterested face staring back at me isn’t giving me “I’m here for you” vibes.
If like me, you have friends you can talk to about anything, do just that. Speaking up won’t always make everything OK but it will make you feel better, even if you just feel less alone and you never know – you may even end up laughing about it.
“Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.” – Walt Disney