Recovering from an injury in your 40s is not fun. 9 weeks ago I suffered a foot fracture and I honestly thought that I would just pop back to normal after a short while – I was wrong..
I used to endure the most unimaginable surgeries as a child and be back at school the following week with my stitches in a jar to show everyone. Looking back, I must have appeared rather odd, on all fronts to young children. Tendons were taken out of my arm and put in my face, nerves taken out of my leg to also have a little jolly over to my face. It was quite the ordeal but I still managed to crush it in a half term holiday and be back at school to catch the register on Monday morning.
A fracture seemed like a tooth extraction by comparison so why is this so hard?
Well, September finally came and I was officially released from the gigantic surgical boot. The Orthopaedic Doctor was nice but flippant. Disinterested when I told him that I still couldn’t walk properly after 6 weeks, that I still had swelling and my toes were starting to bizarrely separate. Despite my foot not returning to normal, I was discharged from the NHS and left to it. I booked a rather pricey appointment with a private podiatrist and it would appear that I have a plantar plate tear too. Soft tissue damage, I’m told, often takes longer to heal. A telephone physio appointment was all I could get from my GPs office but this gave me more questions than answers. According to him, I actually had two fractures not one and some of his recommended exercises were in the private podiatrists no fly zone! So now what?
“It’s early days”.
“These injuries take time”
“It can take months”
“Lets see how things are in another 6 – 8 weeks”
That’s all very well and good but it’s been 9 weeks, it most certainly isn’t early days! – I am trying to be patient but waiting is definitely not my strong suit. Unable to see a GP and be referred to an NHS podiatrist, I am now in limbo. I have been advised (at the modest cost of £200) by the private podiatrist, that I will need orthotics for some time.
“Orthotics – Custom-made foot and ankle medical devices inserted into the shoe to correct an abnormal or irregular walking pattern. They work like shock absorbers, removing pressure and stress from painful areas in the foot and ankle to allow healing”.
Privately this will cost £675 which is not financially an option for me and in the meantime, I am to carry out the physio recommended exercises, minus the ones that would actually make my condition worse. I am to wear only rocker bottom soles (which I had to purchase as I didn’t own any of these), never walk bare feet and tape my toes back into the correct position every day. If it sounds horrific, it’s because it is.
Now in October. Wearing only one pair of shoes round the clock and getting turned away from the GP most days, I must admit, I’m struggling. I always miss their 8am race against time for a chance to book an appointment for a referral. I was there at 08:07am today – only to be turned away again as they “had reached capacity”. Not healing like the average person is mentally tough. I keep doing the exercises but when I am sitting there, stretching, toe curling, intrinsic foot strengthening and picking up marbles with my toes day after day but not seeing any real improvement, it’s a battle. I feel like I am at the bottom of a giant staircase with no chance of reaching the top.
I am not allowed to self refer to NHS podiatry, only a GP has the key to that door. I tried calling a private GP but they cannot refer me back to the NHS for treatment. It would appear I have 2 choices. Pay privately or just not heal. I just want to walk properly!
To be honest, this injury has made me feel old and a little too aware of my own fragility and I don’t like it. Visiting a friend over the summer, boot and all, after a few drinks we got candid about what it felt like to be a 40 something. When the jokes and sarcasm were stripped away my girlfriend dropped some truth bombs. Just a couple of years younger than me, I asked her what her plans were and her response floored me.
Having always wanted children, she had now reached a place in her life where this was no longer a possibility and indeed no longer a wish, as now in her early 40s she said,
“I don’t think I’m meant for old bones. Cancer is rife in my family and to bring a child into that wouldn’t be fair.”
Her words hung in the air like a fog you couldn’t see through. Blinking away my sudden rush of tears she continued,
“With the costs of everything now, the future looks really scary so I am focused on living in the present and enjoying what I can while I can”.
We hugged and in typical British fashion, cracked a few more jokes and turned the music up but I guess none of us can escape those scary thoughts that come knocking after a certain age.
I shared lunch with my Dad for the first time in years last month. We chatted non stop for 2 hours and even he said that he always thought he wouldn’t make 60 years old, due to previous generations experience. When I asked him how it actually felt turning 60 nearly 7 years ago, he said it felt great. For him he regards it all now as bonus time.
Maybe we are all aware of our age and mortality and just don’t say anything. Or only really think about it when triggered by an external event. Whatever the case, these past 9 weeks have opened up thoughts I didn’t know I possessed and started conversations I never thought I would be a part of. The thought of my foot injury being something else I have to just accommodate and live with, is not particularly appetising.
The future, especially in today’s world, is scary for a lot of people. Costs are sky high for everything. Just making ends meet at the end of each month is considered a success. There is no easy access to health care no matter your age or concern and just paying rent at times feels out of reach.
Maybe not thinking too much and living in the present is the key to finding happiness. That and not falling over! At this present moment, I would like to be pain free and walking normally, bouncing if possible…oh and wearing heels.