Christmas tree is up, decorations inside and out are in place. The festive season in our new house is prepped and ready but beneath the surface is an all too familiar feeling.
Last year as we skated towards homelessness at a rapid rate, we successfully pretended that everything was perfect and put together a beautiful a Christmas, despite the hopeless situation we faced.
We never thought we would be in that predicament again, it would appear life has a different plan. Less than 6 months into the tenancy of our new home, my husband was made redundant. It was a complete shock and we were left reeling for weeks over the summer, as we slowly regrouped and composed ourselves for the challenge ahead.
My well qualified, hard working husband found himself in unfamiliar territory. He had never been unemployed. His self esteem was rooted in his role and ability to support his family and without it, a little light inside him has gone out. Never knowing how tough it would be and ever the optimists, we pushed on. My husband studied and gained up to date qualifications, while looking for work. His immaculate CV gained lots of attention. There were many introductory calls from recruiters but an actual job has proved elusive. Four months on, with savings dwindling and no leads, we face another uncertain Christmas. Another first for my husband was having to claim Job Seekers Allowance, something we delayed, thinking we wouldn’t have to and that we would be ok without it. Sadly we were wrong.
To qualify for JSA there is a criteria. One of which, was the ability and willingness to travel 90 minutes away for a job opportunity. Due to being visually impaired and no longer able to drive, my husband now does the school run every day. Having to explain that out loud doesn’t get any easier. They noted on his file that he had “caring responsibilities” to enable him to still qualify for financial support – my heart sank.
He has to tell every recruiter about his school run responsibilities and it’s always followed by further questions as I hear my husband say;
“No, there is no one else, I have to take my child to school every day, no exceptions.”
If I was sighted, he could take whatever job he wanted. He could be more flexible. He could travel every week, on a whim if needed. The issues that prevent me from securing a job are seeping into his lane too. His job search is also screeching to a halt due to the time of year. Company’s are having Christmas parties not recruitment drives. Days are rolling into weeks and weeks into months as our savings slowly get obliterated. To the outside world we are just a regular family, smiling and ready for Christmas but the chinks in the armour are there.
My usually patient husband completely lost it over a lunch order recently, unleashing an expletive filled rant over missing sandwich fillings. I thought I lost my door keys last week, which resulted in a very stressful meltdown ending in a tantrum, where I screamed that I hated everything! Not my finest hour. Luckily on both occasions, our daughter was at school so our childish outbursts never left the four walls. We are clearly feeling the pressure and have since extended ourselves a little grace.
Luckily my husband and I were friends before we got married and during this stressful period, its our friendship and endless support of each other that has got us through.
Whether at home or out and about, the festive cheer is all around. As I admire the lights and allow my mind to enjoy the carol singers, the aroma of mulled wine and the inevitable radio rotation of Christmas songs, I am purely walking in faith. Deep down I’m struggling with my purpose, my role in anything and just how we are going to make it out of this one. We just have to hope something good will come.
We took our daughter to visit Santa last week, it was a truly magical place and for a moment, we forgot all our worries. My daughter asked Santa for Lego. I gazed at all the lights with the same bittersweet feeling I always do. Hearing all the laughter around us, for a moment, we felt what it must be like not to have the weight of the world sitting on our shoulders. I stopped asking Santa for things long ago but maybe he knows what we need and we will catch a break this year.
“This is Christmas. The season of perpetual hope!” – Catherine O’Hara, Home Alone
Merry Christmas Everyone.