I have finally started my meditation journey. I have always been curious about it and as many people turn to practicing mindfulness, for various reasons, I also took the leap.
I quite fancy shutting the world out. Having the ability to quiet my mind. I have an inner monologue that is permanently mulling things over. My brain is constantly absorbing content, both positive and negative. Anxiety is at my door daily and with health problems aplenty and a very uncertain world right now – I need to press pause for my sanity.
Silence usually gives me the giggles. My mind races at a million miles an hour so I needed a simple start. I went for Guided Meditation. It was easier to listen to a professional, than be left alone in the dark with my crazy brain.
20 Day of Live Meditation with Jay Shetty? Yes Sir! Sign me up!
Session One – Breathwork
Ok, I’m nervous. Jay is awesome, I’m already a fan and I know I’m in good hands but I’m still feeling all jittery and weird. I wear a blindfold as I don’t want any distractions at all. “Calm, balance, ease, stillness and peace”. So much silence. He is so focused and calming and yet I can’t help but laugh. I pull it together only to then peak through my blindfold, as I’ve convinced myself that he’s watching me through the TV and laughing. He isn’t obviously, he’s meditating with his eyes closed. Something I should be doing! I focus again. Back to calm, balance, ease, stillness and peace. My husband has joined me on this venture. He has clearly gone too far into stillness and peace – he’s snoring! Nevermind him, just focus you muppet!! We are now concentrating on breath. Breathing in for 4 counts and out for 4 counts. With my hand on my stomach as we inhale and exhale. Wow this isn’t a good look. I should have sat up. A decent posture would have at least disguised my bloating. I never breathe like this. I usually breathe in my chest. Do I breathe wrong? Stop it…not the point… focus!
“Take yourself back to a moment that you felt an intense sense of joy…Visualise the experience of extreme joy, love and happiness…Place yourself back into this moment…Re-experience that love, joy and happiness that lives in that moment…Let it fill your heart. Breathe in that positive and uplifting energy and exhale any of that negative energy. Know that you can go back to this moment at any time. Know that there is a lot of love in your life”.
Ok. A couple of things here. I struggled for what seemed like an eternity, to find a happy moment. Maybe I’m just not that cheery? Maybe those moments are few and far between? Maybe they just don’t pop into my head, as my brain is full of stress. Either way I ended up with a random happy memory of my Dad and I. Sat in his living room having an emotional and rather drunk conversation. I’m telling him of the years I spent wishing I was really his daughter and what my life could have been like if my wish came true. His response was to tell me that he was my Dad and I was his daughter and nothing else really mattered. We laughed. We embraced. We were so close.
Then came the sad bit. We were like that. We aren’t anymore. Whilst this conversation was happening, my mum and now ex husband were laughing together in the kitchen. In that moment everything just seemed right. I guess that’s why my brain selected it as good. My mind however pressed fast forward, as in a matter of weeks from this moment, I had lost everything. I was not sitting on my father’s sofa, I was sleeping on it after my husband left me. Everything I had known up to that point was over. I pulled my mind back. Focused on the good part. I remembered the love in that moment. My Dad and I had a tough start. Closeness took years to build but we had it. We really did. I’m holding onto the moment even though it is past tense. Meditating is tough but beautiful.
Session Two – Beach Visualisation
This time I was ready. No longer giggling. I was actually looking forward to it. “Calm, balance, ease, stillness and peace”. Yes! I’m doing it.
“Visualise yourself on a calm, still relaxing beach. A beach you know or a beach from your imagination”.
Oh no, decisions!! I bounced from 3 different beaches from my childhood in a matter of seconds; to a shore in Ibiza to the beach in Moana! – Why can’t I sit still?
“Feel the soft sand beneath your feet, the warm breeze, feel the sea gently caress your feet as you walk”.
This I can do. I was there on that beach. I could really feel it.
“Find a comfortable place where you would like to sit… chair, the sand, a stone or rock… align your breath with the sea”.
Shit! Another decision! I went from a cheap while plastic patio chair, to a towel, to a bamboo mat… why can’t I find a seat. I feel like I’m in a game of musical chairs, endlessly flailing about trying to find a place to plonk my butt! Then I found it. I was in Grace and Frankie’s beach house. On their front porch. Sat on a rocking chair. I was calm.
Jay reminded us of a saying “We are always wanting for our situation to change, not realising that we were put in that situation so that we can change”. I think about this a lot. Especially when trying to make sense of my life and the world around me.
“What change can we make for ourselves by ourselves to help ourselves”.
So many fabulous questions. I am very short on answers.
“Change is normal. Uncertainty is certain”.
Calm…balance…ease…stillness and peace.
I was meditating for 20 minutes. My mind is loud, hectic, anxious and full but I quite liked having time alone with it. I’m learning so much about myself. I have more questions than answers at the moment and even the most basic of decisions, I clearly can’t make but I am ready for Day 3…just need to stay focused.