Right now, I am hoping that being an adult comes with a receipt. I just don’t want to be the grown up anymore. Mature, responsible and sensible. 3 characteristics that I would like to give the middle finger to today.
Some bad news has filtered back through the grapevine this week. When my friends are going through cancer and/or loss of a parent – I just want to run back to the simpler times when we were kids. How did we become the grown ups? One moment we are playing in the same street and the next…
I am not usually in the queue wishing to be a kid again but here I am wanting a do-over.
Back to the 80s? Buried in cassette tapes. Michael J Fox on my wall. BROS in my ear and reading Smash Hits magasine. Following my mum and her mates around Slough High Street, as they endlessly shopped, for their Saturday night clubbing outfit.
Back to the 90s? With my ill-advised spiral perm and love of soul music. Coming home from school and watching The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. First time I fell in love. First time I had my heart-broken. The stressful years of Best Friend politics and exams.
Tricky.
Either decade, for the most part, represents a snapshot of an easier time. A time before we all got hurt or experienced loss or betrayal. Right now the rose-tinted specs are out in full force and I want to take us all back.
Aside from the increasingly bad eyesight and mummy tummy, I have not changed since school. I’m always chasing that spiritual moment of enlightenment where I am supposed to feel confident in my own skin. Old enough to know better but still young enough not to care. I’m basically an 18-year-old mind with crows feet. I am still chasing that inner peace and as for all that crap about living with no regrets – Cobblers. I am living but I have plenty of regrets. I think that is normal and prevents me from repeating my mistakes.
My husband read a Father-to-be guide when I was pregnant. It was the only book we read that tackled the time warp of no longer being the kid. Realising your own mortality and that an entire life needs you to keep your shit in check. I never used to worry about age but I do now. With the cold hard reality that I am a practically a step further towards being a Grandparent, wills and life insurance policies, are hot topics in our household. Suddenly, we are not planning for our future, we are planning for our death. The shocking truth of having sweet FA in savings and a pretty dismal pension, can be a bit much, without the comfort of a chilled White Zinfandel.
One could get real deep and depressed about this…or seize the day. I am trying to do the latter. I have updated my CV and job profiles, it’s time to see what’s out there beyond the pampers. It’s only been a year out of the game but it feels like forever. I still don’t feel like being an adult today but that’s not really achieving anything. Part of me is still waiting to be rescued and be guided onto the path that’s right for me. While I am waiting however, I need to be doing something.
Every few years a lesson on how short life is lands in my lap. This week, it didn’t land in my lap, it high-fived me in the face. One of my oldest friends is going through hell right at this moment. There will come a time when I am going to need to be strong and support her. I’m going to have to make her believe that life goes on, even at time when she won’t want to get up in the morning. She is being so strong right now. She is being the adult that has to carry a heavy heart alongside her 9-5. She is being so brave but I bet she would love to cash in her adult chips right now.
Bravery is something we all have inside but don’t know it until the time comes. I know this because I have to be brave every day. My friend will find out how brave she really is when her time comes. My job is to wait and be the adult when she feels that she can’t.
When you get to your thirties, you cannot love like you have never been hurt. As unless you have been living under a rock – you have been hurt. All you can do is love. If you cannot love yourself, then give love to another. Love and support today could be the reason they smile tomorrow.