Uncategorized

Far from the Tree

My parents gave me life, a home and a start in this world.  They have taken me back into their home twice since I first ran for Independence at 21 years old.  They have loaned me money from time to time.  OK, I’m struggling here, can you tell?  Making a list of how great your parents are should be easy right?  Their list of awesome should come rolling off the tongue!  Truth is, for me, the awesome list is a little short.  The list of balls ups – now that’s where the meat is.

My recent blog silence, is because I have been mentally and emotionally, dealing with how my family currently treat me.  I have been deciding how to move forward and whether to distance myself from an increasing toxic situation.

As it stands;

My 86-year-old Grandfather calls my mum 4 times per day.   Usually to confirm what’s on the telly and to check that she is at home with no visitors.  My grandfather does not approve of her part-time job and questions her daily, on any guests or outings in the offing.  With his advancing age, he no longer appears to be huge fans of my brother and I.  He is not exactly gripped by our respective offspring either.  His tone immediately sours when a child’s voice can be heard during their daily calls.  My mum now pretends we are not there when we visit for an easier life.  Maybe I am too sensitive but that hurts.  It is horrible to know that our one and only remaining Grandparent would rather we disappear.

My 31-year-old brother has split from his fiancée and is now back at home with our parents  For the last 5 months he has followed the same routine.  He goes to work, then to the Gym, then back home.  He is an Ultra Marathon runner and obsessed with clean eating and looking good.  We don’t speak, even when in the same room.  I say hello and goodbye, which is usually met with silence and that’s it.  He poses and struts around the living room, making sure we all notice him.  He is permanently glued to his phone checking his Instagram and WhatsApping his ex.  I always hoped I would have a big brother to look out for me.  Instead I got a big ignorant girl who nibbles turkey burgers and minces around the house wearing Lycra.

My parents are now in their 60s.  They were once the cool folks that valued the importance of family.  They now, watch box sets and see no one.  I call my mum every other day to check in.  If she is not working (her 12 hour weekly shift), she will be putting a load of washing on.  Will she visit?  Will she want to go out or meet for lunch?  Hell No.  Dad always works, he is one of those lucky bastards that’s loves his job.  He has never been very good at the emotional stuff and over the years, I have definitely noticed a shift in our relationship.  We used to be so close and talk about everything.  Now, he does not seem to see or hear me.  Over the years my funny and cool family have become increasingly cold and isolated.  They have a handful of friends that they hardly see and family that are met with the same treatment.  

Growing up, my house was loud and lively.  We loved to talk…alot.  We would talk a subject to death, pour another drink and keep on going.  Now it is very different – Zero communication.  Dad will be reading a book, Mum will be on her tablet researching holidays she cannot afford and my brother will be making sure that he doesn’t have his fat angle on display for his latest Instagram photo.  There is so much going on in my family at the moment but no one says a word.

Enter me.  I am still loud and lively.  I will not sweep bullshit under the carpet and pretend everything is dandy when it ain’t.  Obviously my presence at the moment appears to be going down like a lead balloon.  My outspoken personality used to be embraced and cause a few laughs.  Now it’s shunned. 

My brother has been ignoring me for years.  He usually calls me once a year to ask me for money but that’s about my lot.  My mum is very complicated, much like our relationship – another post for another day.  My Dad is becoming an old man before my very eyes.  I’m watching the most well-mannered and intelligent man I know, become rude and rather cold.  The man who I used to measure everyone against is now a man that steps over me in his living room, without even saying hello

The hardest thing to fathom in all of this – is the reason – is this just the passing of time or something more?

No argument has taken place.  No plates have been thrown.  No soap opera story-line has recently unfolded.  Could we just be growing apart?  It happens to colleagues, neighbours, and friends.  It now appears to be happening to my very own family.  I have spoken about this to my mum recently.  I am the only one that makes the effort to visit and once there, I am ignored.  My mum reminded my Dad and my brother that I was, in fact in the room, on my last visit.  Their enthusiasm wasn’t exactly over whelming.  

As time goes on, it’s easier for me to reduce and eventually stop seeing them.   Visiting my childhood home to be ignored is a waste of everyone’s time.  My brother and Dad act like I am invisible and my mum would rather have a one on one with her washing machine then spend time with me.  I visit because they are my family but I leave feeling like an orphan.  Some would argue that as family, I should maintain contact and a civil relationship, for the sake of my daughter who will miss out.  What human being would miss this?

I missed my family when I moved away a few years ago.  I moved back to be close to them and to allow the next generation of our family to grow up together.  On reflection, I didn’t miss them, I missed the family I had created in my head.  The loving and patient mum.  The protective and funny little brother.  The strong and supportive Dad.  I missed my dream family not the reality.  I feel that a weight has been lifted just admitting that.

I am not like any of my family.  Maybe that is why the connection has been lost.  I am the apple that bounced instead of landed.  A few bumps along the road but I am still here.  I have my own family now and even though I don’t have all the answers.  I know what not to do – had plenty of experience there.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.