Beauty, Mind & Fitness, My Health and Eye

Zoom Therapy

Happy 3rd Anniversary RP!  You are with me daily, always irritatingly right in front of me.  You never take a day off.  Your persistence is matched only by your brutal capacity, to mercilessly rob me of my ability to see clearly.  You are an arsehole and just in case you were wondering, I didn’t buy you a gift!

Had my first counselling session this week.   The 27 week wait clearly had a faster turn around than previously thought, helped in part, because of my unique availability.  Most folk can’t accommodate a Monday morning Zoom call, that takes a deep dive into your life – however my smug self can!  Yay to being between jobs, there are perks people.

Opening up to a medical professional on your mobile phone is very odd.  I was very self conscious at the start.   Even though I was alone, without the physical act of sitting down and closing the door on my session, I did feel like I was baring my soul out in the street.   I had this horrific visual of her, her family and her smart speaker, all sitting around their kitchen table; listening to my trials and tribulations eating popcorn.

Dignity is discarded quickly when you’re on the clock.   I have eight 50 minute sessions available, that’s 400 minutes for this woman to unpack my life suitcase and help me re pack it in a way that I can live better with it.   I want to learn how to breathe easier and generally have a stronger and more settled mindset.

It’s a tall order and a huge impossible mountain to climb but she seems game.  The first session was a fact finding mission.  Getting to know more about me, what I’ve been through and what led me to her.  We covered a surprisingly large amount of ground.  I found myself apologising to her for being a lot.  Personally when I started going over the main points, I was surprised she didn’t crack open the wine.  

She listened intently.  She was so kind.  We ended the session with her advising that she had a great many questions but they will be for next time.  I have no idea what to expect from this.  Therapy journeys are a minefield.  I have a new journal at the ready to keep track of our sessions and note down any pearls of wisdom that might be bestowed upon me.

I’m hoping she will be able to give me some kind of coping mechanisms to assist in the daily mental and physical battle that is health anxiety.  It has been a substantial struggle this week.  Thinking the worst is one thing but when your body physically acts like your thoughts are accurate it’s torture.

Not sure whether it’s been worse because therapy has begun or if my RP anniversary is triggering continuous episodes.  As I explained to her, I have been medically very unlucky so my brain and body are always waiting for the next thing.  It’s no way to live but I guess my brain is trying to protect me by keeping me prepared for anything.  It’s not pleasant.  

We all know that tomorrow isn’t promised but when you have anxiety, it makes you feel like your days are always numbered, it’s horrific.  When I’m struggling I much prefer to have this verse in mind to stop the inevitable spiral.

Matthew 6:34 – Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.

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