I wish I was the kind of person that hit the gym when stressed, meal prepped on weekends and meditated on days off but just don’t. I might reach the staggering heights of 5000 steps a day. Maybe get to noon before I ransack the cupboard for anything that will fall out of a packet and into my face! As for meditating…does daydreaming while my tea brews count?
The queue for a stroll down therapy lane is 27 weeks long. Yeah that’s not a typo. 27 weeks. I can’t keep eating like I do while I wait. I’m keeping my anxiety together, wine only on occasion and sleeping better but wow, I’m seriously eating my feelings! All the good stuff too; cakes, crisps, biscuits and chocolate. I can’t get enough. I start every day so well. I don’t usually feel hungry until about 11am but as soon as I start eating, I’m all aboard the grazing train. I have an all day, every day free pass to the fridge. My self esteem at present is shrinking but my visceral fat is on the up and up!
February is the month of love thanks to Valentine’s Day. This day also marks another trip around the sun as a married couple for my husband and I. We were blessed to be able to enjoy a lunch date while our daughter was at school. There are so many wonderful things about getting married on Valentine’s Day. One of many drawbacks however is trying to book a restaurant to go out for dinner. Even while we sat enjoying our romantic lunch, they were turning couples away, as they were fully booked. Before the storms came and battered the UK, we were able to enjoy a beautiful sunny day together with great views overlooking the marina and great food. It was one of those rare occasions where my troubled mind took a day off.
February is also Retinitis Pigmentosa Awareness month. Loving the awareness aspect but actually having RP can do one! Not being able to drive especially as my daughter gets older and her social life flourishes is so annoying. I am lucky to have great friends that happily let us jump in their car which is fabulous. They don’t know why I don’t drive, not ready for that conversation but they are just happy to assist. I really appreciate it. Asking for help is getting easier but it still stings a little when it’s something I used to be able to do, with a heart full of joy and confidence just a few short years ago.
It’s funny, I walk more now than ever before but I guess the middle age spread is real. I no longer bounce back after a few lazy weeks, I just keep bouncing. Diet and exercise after 40 is a game changer. What always worked no longer does. I can’t eat with free abandon anymore and the additional inches, that used to fluctuate, have now set up camp. I can’t even say that my figure benefits from no longer having a car, I’m physically doing more, my scales don’t agree. I always hunt for the positives about RP but damn this month has been a tough road.
As my beautiful daughter cuddles up to me, I realise that there are much bigger things to stress about than a few extra pounds.
“Mummy, I love you. You’re so squishy”
Or maybe not. She is so adorable and cute and I love her so very much. I have a full heart every day knowing how much she loves me. That said, teddy bears are squishy, Mummy needs to shed some stuffing!
As I watch my daffodils peep through the soil in my front garden, I’m reminded that I won’t be able to hide my sugar addiction with layers for long. Jumpers, scarves and winter coats are excellent at misdirection. I know that I have developed an unhealthy relationship with my biscuit tin; other folk just think I’ve wrapped up warm.
As more of my wardrobe gets shoved to the side and I find myself wearing the same handful of generously made garments, I realise I’m running out of road here. Waiting to be motivated or waiting on something external to occur to give me what I need to get started, is not working. Not knowing where to start and therefore doing nothing in some deluded hope that when I shed my winter coat, I will look 20lbs lighter because I’m a decent human being, is ridiculous!
“A year from now you will wish you had started today”- Karen Lamb.
March is about to come in like a lion. Let’s hope he swings by my house and eats all my biscuits!