Like a stone cast into a river, we are thrown into socialising as a child. The still waters of our home life are replaced by the expanding ripples of friends and classmates. These circles keep expanding, closer bonds are formed and life continues on this trajectory into adulthood.
Relationships change and evolve. More friends are added as the workplace or further education beckons. Intimate relationships begin, a hierarchy of friends is built and this continues to either grow or remain stable for some years. This stability and security provides strength, comfort and good ole fashioned belly laughs as the years flow by.
Then there is a shift. It could be work, a relocation perhaps, a relationship breakdown, a medical diagnosis, bereavement or parenthood but there is always a definite change at some point. Usually in our 30s. Circles get smaller, closer. Making new friends gets harder, usually due to time constraints and commitments. Your endless list of friends, colleagues and acquaintances from your 20s starts to shrink, this can happen gradually or almost overnight.
I read this week that friendship in your 40s is catching up twice a year! I wonder if that is actually a physical meet or a text marathon?. Arranging a catch up with your pals as you reach your 4th decade can be stressful. Especially if you fall into the trap of saying you’ll catch up and then proceed to never actually do that. Lamenting the length of time it’s been since you last saw each other while doing diddly squat about it!
I have previously said that people make time for the things and the people that are important. If a person isn’t making the time, your only job is to accept where you stand and move on. Easier said than done I know. It’s easier if you know that your friend has zero social life, due to a demanding career or balancing a young family with work and they have no down time. However, when they make room for everything else except you, that’s a tough break.
Not to be confused with low maintenance friends. These people are awesome. You may not speak every week or even catch up every month but you’re in contact and when you do talk, the chat flows effortlessly like no time has passed. I’m talking about the friends that rode the low maintenance bus for a while then stepped off completely. What happens when this type of friend pops back up from the abyss of life to say “Hey”.
I had two dinners with friends last month. The first with a friend of two years that I had not seen in nine years and the second with a friend of 18 years, that I had not seen in 4 years. In both cases there was no drama or falling out. Time had just done what it does best, raced by and the contact was lost. The first dinner was instigated by me reaching out via LinkedIn of all places. We had a wonderful dinner and talked endlessly for hours, set up another date and have been in constant contact ever since.
The second dinner was arranged by my friend and was a total disaster. Awkward silences, zero flow and I honestly felt like I was sitting opposite a stranger. It was no comfort that during our time apart she still managed to catch up with her school friends every month for Wine Wednesday and her best friend every week. I think I preferred the story I told myself. She was ridiculously successful and incredibly busy and didn’t have a moment to herself..
It was like the world’s worst date. In an effort to stoke the chit chat, I asked lots of questions to get a flow going. Her responses were abrupt and cold. Both struggling to make conversation, skipping dessert and eagerly awaiting the bill. I got home to my husband, exhausted and sad. What the hell had happened?
I don’t really know. If I was to throw a suggestion out there, I would say that she had completely changed and I had stayed the same. Both of those things aren’t necessarily bad but it meant that she had outgrown me, we had nothing in common anymore, the bonds that held us for over a decade were laying in heap on the restaurant floor. I took a breath. I knew I would never hear from her again. That’s how folk operate these days. I knew I was going to be ghosted by her so I sent her a message, not to have the last word but to tell her I loved her and that our friendship meant something and I would always cherish it.
I’m glad we finally managed to catch up after so many years last night. I was really hoping that we would pick up where we left off and we would chat and laugh like no time had passed. I was gutted that this wasn’t the case and to be honest, I felt like I irritated you right from the start.
I’m sorry I asked so many questions about your job and the family. I was genuinely interested but also trying to keep a conversation going as you didn’t seem your usual chatty self. At times the silence was awkward and I was worried you were bored.
If my tone was off or you felt judged in some way, please know that I would never be rude, judge or disrespect you. If you were upset that I came straight to the car instead of you coming to the door, I apologise. It was my child’s bedtime so I tried to make a quiet escape otherwise she would get very upset.
I went back through our old WhatsApp messages last night and realised that the distance between us has been growing for years. I was just clinging on I guess. I do that. I need to work on that. There was so much I wanted to tell you last night but I got the impression that you were no longer in that space anymore. I didn’t feel the warmth that used to be there.
I’m so happy that things have worked out for you and I always knew you would have this type of career and would crush it. Your children are a credit to you and I am proud to have witnessed a small part of your journey.
My life is very challenging. I was diagnosed with an incurable disease back in March 2019. This disease has so far robbed me of my driving licence and it’s a constant decision I make daily to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. In a world that promotes positivity no matter what, I tend to get lost as that’s unfortunately not been the hand I was dealt
I guess I’m still the same person I was 4 years ago, just with more shit to deal with and maybe you have simply outgrown me which I accept. I accept with beaming pride in your achievements and some sadness at the loss of who we used to be.
I miss your smile, your kindness and effortless words of wisdom. I smile not because time has put us on different roads but because what we had was great and I will always cherish that.
She read my message and blocked me…ah yes one of those tough break things again.
Ghosting is fine, I’ve learnt to accept this modern day response but after 18 years, I wanted to apologise for whatever I had done and to tell her she was important to me. When you’re ghosted you don’t get a chance to say goodbye so I said it. I have no regrets. I used to get so caught up in the diligent chasing of people thinking I was being a kind and thoughtful friend. Turns out I didn’t think the whole thing through at all. In a game of chase, what is the person you’re chasing doing? Running away! Quite a lightbulb moment.
It’s tough when a friend moves on, especially when that means leaving you behind but then I remembered;
‘How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” A.A. Milne