When I was a teenager, I thought that my status and place on the food chain would be achieved through kindness, patience, gratitude, hard work and ambition. My place, once secured, would then be sacrosanct. Family would always love and support me. They would be there in my weak moments and stand with me shoulder to shoulder in my success. My solid group of friends, built up over many years, would be almost part of my DNA. Our experiences and memories binding us together no matter what. Obviously, all this idyllic thinking goes to hell in and hand basket if you screw up! So be true to yourself. Be kind, patient, work hard, dream big and all that – just don’t screw up!
My twenties showed me that I could have it all. The job, the money, the friends, the husband. My family has always been a little Jeremy Kyle but all in all, I was pretty happy. Your thirties are often touted as the better of these two decades. You are, allegedly, more financially secure and happier in your own skin. The one thing I always used to read about being thirty was confidence, once you reached this milestone, you just stopped worrying what people thought. So there I was back in 2008 thinking – Bring it on! I want to bask in the glory of all this confidence and security. I had worked hard, been a good wife and friend. I had always put others before myself. I had paid my dues – let’s do this!
Falling on my ass as soon as I hit thirty was not in the bloody script! I had been in a secure bubble for 10 years spanning most of my twenties. My job, my relationship, home life and friends circle just worked. I had it all figured out. Then out of nowhere came the wrecking ball. My thirties started off with a disaster of a birthday party and just got worse from there. Dumped by my husband (via text!), losing my home and losing some friends in the aftermath – it was all pretty brutal.
This was my rock bottom, this time it was me that needed a friend and I was about to make a hefty withdrawal from my support bank. Despite investing heavily in the friends market I was in for a shock. My request at the mate bank was declined with a very cold and clear – insufficient funds available. I rebuilt my life over the next two years pretty much solo. After this time, I packed up my life and moved to another city to start over. 5 years on I am now remarried and currently a stay at home mum. With all this extra time on my hands, I am finding those old feelings of having no one, starting to re-emerge. During my daughters naps, I sometimes check social media for signs of life.
I have to admit that I do enjoy a good scroll down Facebook Feed Lane. It’s an interesting snapshot of human behaviour. I have hundreds of friends on Facebook but only about 20 of them use it on a regular basis so my news feed is rather limited. At least one of my friends at any one time is Facebook stalking someone else and reporting back the nitty-gritty. I guess one has to be sure that the bully from school has since fallen flat on their face or got fat. Or the ex boyfriend is now married to a 4/10 chick, when you are clearly a sound 8/10. You can block, delete, report members of the human race at any time. It’s digital warfare. There are also lots of nice updates, pictures, and motivational quotes. There is usually a video of some insanely beautiful girl rubbing her eye brows and then jumping for joy that they don’t come off in her hand! I can’t rub mine off either but I found the whole exercise a bit underwhelming.
WhatsApp is great. I have disabled the only function that irritates me. The ‘Big Brother’ option that tells people when you are on-line. This function has brought much despair to my fellow ladies. ‘He was online but never messaged me back, who is he talking to?’ and ‘I can see he went on line and has read my messages but now I’m being ignored!’ Good God woman! Take a break!
Now I am not working or commuting for hours every day, I thought this would be a good time to be more social. I reach out to a lot of people for catch ups only to be rebuffed or put on hold just in case they get a better offer. There is nothing more irritating than ‘I am not sure what I am doing yet, can I confirm nearer the time’. Or ‘I am actually doing some washing and then putting my Tesco order in, can I let you know?’ The radio silence is by far the best. You are chatting seamlessly via Facebook or WhatsApp and the moment you mention actually seeing them in the flesh – the line goes dead! I am starting to get a complex! I read somewhere that if you don’t know any ugly friends, then you are probably the ugly friend! Oh God! The paranoia that can come with having way too much time on my hands. I have gone from being on the guest list at every party to not being worthy of so much as a Candy Crush invite!
With the dawn of social media you get to have your place on the pecking order confirmed to you. There is nothing more sobering than the realisation that the people who claim to have no time, actually have all the time in the world – just not for you. They can’t meet for lunch or a dinner after work because they are doing all those things with other people. They then post pictures of this awesome gathering on-line for the final kick in the crotch. You offer a different time, date and activity and get the infamous ‘I am not sure what I am doing yet, can I confirm nearer the time’. Ah well, with my big girl panties firmly in place I have accepted my new social outcast status.
I will still encourage my daughter to approach life with kindness, patience, gratitude, hard work and ambition. I pray she has the promise I had in my twenties and goes on to realise that promise with love and support in her thirties and beyond. As for me, I think I will have a glass of chilled wine tonight with my husband and have a social media detox.