I have no idea what life will look like on the other side of this lockdown. The days seem longer. Every issue magnified.
Some days I don’t sweat the small stuff. This time has given me perspective. It’s highlighted what’s important; family, health and love. It’s also shown me how much I hug people and enjoy being hugged.
Other days I long for solitude. Some space away from those I share a home with. My house has become my place of work, rest and play and in truth…it’s getting on my nerves. The same ole, same ole of it all.
This would have been the moment, I grab my car keys, a few CDs for the glove box and bugger off for an hour. Driving anywhere, music up, windows down. Maybe make a stop and watch the world go by, maybe not. To be free, free to give myself a good talking to, to sing, to mull things over to the beat of a good track. To feel the space of the open road. I still miss that so much.
As yet, I have not found a suitable and regular substitute for this time. A new ritual to put my mental health in order. Unlike bus rides with strangers and walking solo around town, driving alone never felt lonely – it felt empowering.
There are days when I watch my husband, play with our daughter in the garden and smile at our little bubble of secure safety.
Some days I watch my husband eat his dinner and think “Do you have to be so bloody loud with your knife and fork!” And “For the love of God! Stop wiggling your legs! I feel like I’m sitting on a motorised sofa going off road!”.
I think the lockdown will bring a multitude of break ups, breakthroughs, breakdown’s and babies all over the UK. We are all finding ourselves in this strange situation. With a backdrop of health, job and financial insecurity, it can sometimes result in a pressure cooker!
Our Disney+ subscription has been a recent but invaluable resource. Our Frozen 2 DVD may be new but it’s already part of the furniture. Acrylic paints, craft kits and baking, help alleviate the mundane moments. Our garden provides a regular dose of normal, when the confines of quarantine get a little much.
The lawns are immaculate. The house is tidy. Even our rather crowded conservatory has had some TLC. Relaxing is good but my brain functions better when busy. My daughter’s tantrums are off the charts at the moment. I think the lack of routine is definitely affecting her. My husband and I are talking a lot more. Chit chat and deep conversations aplenty. It’s amazing how we can go from selecting storage boxes, to having a vasectomy in the space of an afternoon.
Our conversations are getting far too detailed, about stuff that really doesn’t matter. Earlier this week, my husband stopped everything, to talk at length about the brilliance of a balloon pump! Their ease and efficiency of use, over a standing bike pump.
Oh wow, please tell me less!
Then he felt it necessary to articulate, on a cellular level, his thinking behind his use of medical gloves. Then his reasons behind getting, what can only be described as a gas mask, for his twice a month dash to the supermarket! Do it! Don’t do it! Just speak less.
I’m still calling my mum daily. It’s nice to hear a different voice but as we are both staying indoors and not going anywhere or seeing anyone, our conversation is running out of steam. Turns out she quite likes our current, Secretary of State for Health and Social Care, Matt Hancock. This is what happens when you don’t get out much.
I have been online shopping more, in an effort to cheer myself up. I think I need to read more books and scroll through less news and gossip. Although I am busy, my mind is not completely occupied. My panic attacks are popping in and out of my week regularly, just to spice things up. I tried to order an exercise mat, to help with my new fitness routine…out of stock. Tried to order a folding exercise bike…out of stock. Thought “Bollocks to this, I’m going to order Scrabble, my husband and I can play that as a break from TV”…out of stock!
As I’m searching for ideas and inspiration, I can hear this irritating clicking. What is that? I look to my right, it’s my husband tapping his nails as he watches the news. Why, why, why do you have to be like you are!!
I’m snappy due to cabin fever. He’s grumpy due to his recurrent bad back. Our toddler is being extra naughty now and we get to share all that wonderful with each other 24/7.
I guess this is happening in most households right now. Ordinary people in extraordinary times, with the door shut.
I think this song captured the relationship challenge of the daily grind perfectly. Enjoy.
John Legend – Ordinary People