Don’t forget you’re human. It’s okay to have a meltdown, just don’t unpack and live there. Cry it out and then refocus on where you are headed.
Beautiful…but I did unpack and move in. I’ve been here for some time. People come but mostly go. I’ve cried, so many tears. Not sure where I am headed. There is no focus. My mind isn’t blank, it’s black.
My daughter, is once again ill. I lay beside her as I write this. Kids get ill, they said. Children always pick up germs and bugs, they said. It’s normal, they said.
This weekend her fever, resulted in another febrile convulsion, which in turn became a seizure. The convulsions are a fairly new development and the seizure was terrifying. I lay beside my little girl. I could not prevent or stop, what was happening to her – I could just be present. I removed her dummy, made sure she didn’t swallow her tongue or bite it. Her eyes looked right through me, her arms and legs shook, her breathing rapid and shallow. My husband called for an ambulance, as I held her and told her I loved her.
In that moment, I was broken. I felt I had shattered into a thousand tiny pieces. I kept talking to her, hoping the sound of my voice, would help her come back to me.
I sobbed as the paramedics came in. They were, as always, wonderful. Kind, calm, confident and reassuring. Another hospital visit, another tonsillitis infection, another rough few days ahead.
‘You never wake a sleeping baby’, apparently, unless they are prone to convulsions like mine. I have to wake her, every four hours, to give medication to stabilise her temperature. At times, I’m checking her temperature hourly. Her temperatures, can spike fast, to over 40 Degrees Celsius (104 Fahrenheit). It’s the temperature and the speed in which it gets there, that causes the convulsions. Medication, when my daughter is sick, has to be forced down – she’s not a fan. This will often lead to a tantrum, which can sometimes lead to a blue breath holding episode. It’s quite a situation both mentally and emotionally.
It’s been a rough few months. I can no longer relax around my daughter. I’m so alert and worried all the time. I feel like a can’t breathe. When I get told to “chill”, it takes all my energy, not to explode in that person’s face. “Relax” is another word, often said by a parent or person, that has zero clue of what I deal with. My family have kept their distance. My husband has been great. He is spending another night on the sofa, trying to get some sleep, ready for another day at work. I’m laying beside our daughter, unable to switch off, waiting for the next medication run. She will apparently, grow out of all these issues, by the time she’s 5 years old. 38 months to go!
These last few weeks, I have not enjoyed motherhood. It seems I am just, getting through the day, trying to keep my daughter conscious. Avoiding temper tantrums. Going into high gear, the moment my thermometer, reads 37.9. So this involves pandering to her and avoiding anything that might upset her. Best way to avoid a blue breath episode, where she passes out, is prevention. Best way to deal with a seizure, preparation.
So, I’m human – that’s a given. I had a meltdown – several and counting. What if I unpack and rent this space? For say, 38 months? With regards to crying it out, can I get a daily slot for that? My focus is my daughter. Where am I heading?…The nuthouse!