We are currently enjoying the last day of complete lockdown. From tomorrow, some schools return; markets and car showrooms reopen and members of the public are allowed to socialise in small groups of 6. Still socially distant though, no hugs and kisses. We are only allowed to meet outside, no home visits. It’s tentative, it’s conditional but it’s a start.
The weather has been glorious and we have been able to enjoy the simple pleasures of our home and garden, as a family, during what would have been a school holiday this week.
This week has been rather odd for me. I have been very emotional. This week saw a date float to the surface of my mind. 15 years ago this week I got married. I have since got divorced and have remarried but this wasn’t what kept my mind distracted. It was the time. 15 years. 15 years!!
Just remembering the day. Not the wedding but me. The me I was…before I got ill. Before I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. Before Retinitis Pigmentosa. Before I hit 30…40…
When I walked down the aisle in 2005, I didn’t even need to wear glasses. Now I wear them all the time and I no longer have sufficient vision to drive. Back then in my 20s I felt empowered. Despite my tough start, I was confident in my abilities and my future. 15 years on, I just don’t feel it.
I wonder what my 26 year old self was hoping to be at 41. Dazed, overwhelmed and scared shitless, probably wasn’t what she had in mind.
I have a very supportive husband. A beautiful daughter. A nice home. A few good friends and a strange dysfunctional family but inside; I’m wandering around aimlessly.
As adults we are supposed to know what we are doing. Where we are going. Have a plan. I have zero plans. I’m happy to go with the flow but there doesn’t seem to be one of those going either.
With no routine and our very way of life upside down at the moment, I am struggling to find focus. I can’t appreciate what I have and live in the moment, because I am stuck in the past and what was. Even Google Photos has the power to ruin my mood, with a random notification on my phone; showing a collage of photos from 2, 3, 4 years ago. A simple picture of a cafe that I can no longer visit alone. A snap capturing a glimpse of my old car in the background. A photo of someone who is no longer part of my life. I have a long way to go when it comes to mastering gratitude.
The loss of things so far just seem so much bigger than everything good I have right now. Not sure if we all have times like this or if it’s just me.
‘Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be’. ‘ Sonia Ricotti.
Seasons change. Time heals. I’m still trying to trust the process. Maybe I’m just having an off week. An off month. One of those “meh” moments.
‘This too shall pass. It might pass like a kidney stone. But it will pass’.
I need to learn to accept my new limitations. Appreciate what I have and still can do. Enjoy the journey and not lament the passing of time but embrace the blessings I have now and will continue to enjoy. Easy to say and so tough to do. On the outside I do such a great job at appearing resilient. On the inside that same woman cries, looking at an old A – Z map, gazing at old highlighted routes I used to take in my car.
I need to allow myself these moments I guess. They happen and will continue to do so. I am really looking forward to a time when my breakdowns become breakthroughs.
I hope the other side of meh is wonderful.