‘There will be a big group of us so no one will know who is with who’
Ah that old chestnut! Right up there with the lie you tell yourself, when thinking about going to the cinema alone. ‘Once the lights go down and the movie comes on, no one will notice you came solo’. I have said these lines and been on the receiving end of them. Tip of the iceberg, when it comes to stuff you tell yourself, to get out the door and get on with it.
‘You will enjoy yourself once you get there’. I tell myself this one a lot, especially when gearing up, to take my daughter to a class or soft play centre. When shopping, walking to the park or sat in a coffee shop, I’m invariably alone with my daughter. My head however, is busy giving me a pep talk to keep me going. Anything to stop me from spending too much time, worrying about what people may or may not think.
Mental Health is being spoken about widely at the moment. This is amazing. It’s out there. It’s real. If you have not personally suffered, the chances are, you know someone who has. You just might not know it. Not everyone who is having a rough time shows it. Whether it’s their brave face and defence mechanisms, or your busy life that missed the ‘I’m fine’ cover up – people slip through the net all the time.
On Facebook recently, many people took to updating their status, with a message to confirm that they were always there and always listening. It’s a wonderful and positive sentiment but also frustrating. The people who posted this status were notoriously bad at contact of any kind. I guess they meant they were always there and always listening when bored or drunk. Or maybe on a bi monthly basis, when they realised they hadn’t responded to your message from a month ago. We all have lives I guess. We are all busy. There is always something. Not necessarily someone always listening.
I have suffered with depression on and off since my early teens. I have had counselling several times throughout my life. I find counselling very useful. I have taken antidepressants with mixed results. I have read a plethora of self-help books and practised breathing exercises to promote calm. I am in a good place mentally at the moment but that takes thought, effort and maintenance. My mind is my very own cheerleader. She also comes equipped with a very large stick to beat me with. That’s anxiety for you. It lurks around every corner and wont hesitate to remind you, that you are lower than dirt.
I have been working on an affirmation recently. It’s personal to me but here it is: Every time someone compliments your daughter, they are actually complimenting you too.
I remind myself of this when people only talk to my daughter or talk to me when they want to talk about her. I am so much more than an invisible mum. The mums in my street and in the classes I attend, aren’t interested in moving past pleasantries, so it’s just me. Me and my brain.
I told my mum how lonely I was feeling last week and that I didn’t have anyone to really talk to. She cheered me up no end with her response. ‘Your little one will be talking soon, so you won’t feel as bad – you can talk to her’. Nothing quite like missing the point on an epic scale.
I did see a fabulous short film on anxiety last week. It showed one guy alone. Second guessing his choices, constantly believing his friends didn’t like him, worrying when they delayed contacting him, feeling the need to turn down invites and meet ups for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing, trying so hard to convince people he was happy in his life when he felt isolated and alone, being addicted to social media to connect him to the world, only for the constant updates from successful and happy friends and relatives to make him feel even more insecure. The cycle goes round…
I know what depression and anxiety can do because I have been there. I visit there often and need to constantly work on myself to make sure, I don’t head back down that road. It’s why I distance myself from difficult, negative and passive aggressive people. My heart cannot and my brain will not, deal with them anymore.
To the well-meaning folk that told Facebook that they were always there and always listening. Please be aware that people suffering from anxiety and depression don’t need to hear any of these:
Chin up.
Cheer up, can’t be that bad.
Just be happy.
Make a conscious decision to be happy.
There are people much worse off than you.
Only you can help you.
Don’t like your life, change it.
I just can’t deal with this, you need to snap out of it
Think positive
If Mental Health Awareness Week moved you to do something. Respond to that text. Actually arrange that meet up. Do something real. Be there. Be a friend.