I can’t believe we are almost in March. I never meant to take such an extended break from writing but here we are
Our Christmas came to a close, with a happy ending. In the odd grey days between Christmas and New Year, my husband was randomly contacted by the Managing Director of a company he had wanted to work with for about a year. They had a job for him. A role that he had hoped he would be qualified for one day. That day was 27th December. The job search was over, they wanted him immediately, he started on 2nd January.
I can’t describe the relief, for both of us. Life picked up and continued much as it had done before; with my husband working from home and my daughter returning to school. All the stress disappeared and we clicked back into our new routine with ease.
Despite everything around me being calm, my heart was not. It was a quiet Sunday morning, I was completing a form for my daughter’s ballet class, while my husband and daughter finished breakfast. Out of nowhere, my heart started pounding fast. I could feel it. I could hear it. It was not slowing down. I excused myself and went to the kitchen for a glass of water. I then went upstairs to take a beta blocker, then made my way out into the freezing cold garden. Sitting on a chair I called out to my husband. I was doing all I could not to alarm my daughter who was already looking worried. My brain frantically tried to think how I was going to get out of this one. What if it never slowed down???
Due to anxiety issues, I refuse to have any wearable technology that tells me about my heart rate. Knowing my body like I do though, I knew it was beating at around 130 bpm. I was starting to freak out. Then after what was probably only 90 seconds, it finally dropped. As fast as it had speeded up, it slowed down. What the hell was that??? As I calmly breathed in the crisp cold air, I felt completely exhausted. I scooped my little girl up in my arms and told her that mummy just felt a bit sick for a moment but was better now. I couldn’t tell her the truth because I didn’t know what that was.
At the doctors the following week, they carried out bloodwork and an ECG. The doctor reviewing my results called my heart rate beautiful. Yeah, you weren’t there on Sunday pal! I thought I was gonna die! All bloods were normal too, including a Heavy Metal test for excess mercury. My B12 levels were elevated. The Doctor even asked how long I had been taking injections. Erm, never.
B12 deficiency is common but having too much? That was a new one for me. Anything over 800 is classed as elevated. Looking back through the years he advised my B12 had been high for some time:
2021 – 1086
2022 – 1000
2024 – 1191
I know I shouldn’t have Googled my latest result but I did. “This result may suggest liver or kidney problems, diabetes, or certain forms of leukaemia.”
Well that’s just terrific. Hello Health Anxiety you complete arsehole, how have you been? I asked the doctor if I should be worried and he said “Not yet” – comforting! “Besides all your other tests including; FBC (Full Blood Count), Liver and Kidney Function and HbA1c (which checks for diabetes), came back normal.”
My iron was on the low side so I was advised to boost that through diet alongside reducing my B12 intake through diet. The foods that increase iron, also increase B12 – in short, I have no idea what to eat. In conclusion, it’s all normal. What happened was normal. Not knowing what caused my heart to go nuts or my B12 to rocket means I can’t do anything about it. My doctor may as well have said “move along, nothing to see here.”
Running alongside this medical madness was the prospect of a new job. Not for my husband this time but for me. Venturing back into the world of work had always been on the horizon but largely just out of reach due to my circumstances. I can only work part time as I want to be able to be home for my daughter. I need to work for a local company, accessible by public transport too. Not unreasonable demands but ones that have ousted me from many opportunities…until now.
On the 22nd January, I started my new part time role. My first job since I waddled out of my last office position to begin maternity leave in 2016. To say I was nervous was an understatement. It has been 13 years since I have worked in retail. The actual job has not changed that much but I have. Despite being happy to have a job and earn money again, my ego is wrestling with this new dynamic. I am basically working the same job I held when I was a teenager. I’m on minimum wage and starting from the bottom. I see my peers on platforms like LinkedIn, climbing the career ladder, securing management roles and professional qualifications and a small part of me feels insignificant by comparison.
I have mainly worked in offices for large companies and my last dalliance in retail, 13 years ago was a management role. Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” He’s not wrong. I’m comparing myself to people who have very different circumstances and probably don’t have a degenerative disease, that’s limiting their field of vision and their career options.
“Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today.” – Jordan Peterson
Based on those wise words, I should feel proud for putting myself out there again. I’m working hard. I’m independently earning a wage to help support my family. I’ve not allowed my sight to stop me from contributing to society. My life has taken so many detours, that I feel like I’m right back where I started professionally. Is the job title, salary bracket or company status really that important?
The fact is that it always was before. My self esteem and confidence came from my employment. The jobs I could do, the positions I held, the people I managed, the salary I earned. It all made me feel worthy. I was the friendly manager, the nice colleague and someone who was always there with the jokes. Outside of my jobs, I felt ugly, useless and different. So when my previous employers gave me a chance to shine I took it. Then at home time, I would grab my coat and stroll out into the carpark, jump into my car and drive away with my music up and a real feeling that I was somebody. I liked her.
Now, despite working again, I can’t find her. She isn’t there. In conversations I will tell people it’s ‘just part time’ and ‘just a retail position’. I squash all thoughts of achievement as I feel ugly, useless and different again. What I need to do is reframe what success looks like. I went back to work hoping to find the old me but she’s gone and I need to be okay with that and learn to like the new me. The deck of cards I’m playing with suck but I’m still here, doing my best and showing up every day. There is no ‘just’ about that. That’s pretty epic. It’s not salary or status driven anymore but it’s still me, determined to keep on keepin’ on. If this was a friend or family member, I would be so proud of them and yet I am unable to give myself an ounce of compassion. Who knew that learning to be your own best friend and love your life would be such a journey.