Can’t wait to see you. Can’t wait to be with you Can’t wait to give you a hug. Can’t wait to celebrate your birthday with you. Can’t wait to have lunch together. Can’t wait…
Time in lockdown is many things but mostly, it’s time away from family and friends. A coffee with mum, a liquid lunch with your bestie, some light hearted banter with your work mates, a gossip in the playground, a pint with the boys. It’s part of the fabric of our lives and yet it’s all on hold.
Physical touch. The non verbal love language. From a big bear hug to just having someone close to you. To hold your hand, to give your shoulders a rub. It’s part of our DNA to need closeness. I’m a hugger, so I’m finding this very hard. Physical touch or just physically being there, especially in today’s society, means the world. A quick text, like or email is nice but to turn up in the physical, now that’s on purpose. Time has been carved out. Quality time. You are not doing a million things or messaging several people in a gap between tasks. You are with someone. Everything you have going on has been set aside, because you want to spend time with another, they are important to you.
It warms my rather jaded heart, to hear and see messages from families to their loved ones. Openly expressing their feelings and their hopes and plans for future meet ups. From putting the kettle on to more lavish celebrations of occasions missed or postponed. This warmth then cools suddenly, as I fall back to reality with a thud. I listen to my husband laughing, during conference calls with his work mates, openly telling him how much they miss him. My daughter can’t wait to get back to her friends and her busy school life. A thought then dawns on me. When everyone goes back to their work, school and social lives; no doubt to catch up with their nearest and dearest – my day to day will remain the same.
Apart from school runs and taking the bus to the shop, my life has not really changed. I guess I have been living in isolation for many years. I might see a friend, once a month but that’s not guaranteed. It’s a stark warning to me.
When the doors get thrown open and everyone sprints for freedom. I will be left behind watching. To hear people talk about not being able to cope or how much they miss a long list of people they regularly meet up with, just reminds me that my path is going in the exact opposite direction.
I can’t dwell on this thought. It may be the truth but it’s not a very nice place to find oneself. I have been very good at reaching out to people during lockdown. I know all too well how tough this new dynamic can be. I have to quash thoughts like “If you didn’t text or call them, would they call or text you?”. “Are they in a conversation with you or just being polite, because you contacted them first”.
Just stop. Would knowing the answer help?
I’m missing lots of people during this time but I know that when the rules are lifted, I still won’t see many of them. Their lives go from quiet and monotonous to busy and booked up in a matter of days. This is not new information but with the recent spotlight on family and togetherness over the last few weeks, it makes me all too aware of what others have and I sadly do not.
I can’t wait for normality to return but this is largely due to how happy it will make others. My normality, much like the days in lockdown, just blur into one. At the moment I have no idea how to fix this and my ability is limited by the fact that I can’t change others, I can only change myself. Whether I stay in the same spot or make a move, I need to make peace with my own company first.
“Create a life shaped by decisions you control, not conditions that you can’t” – Tony Robbins
The government is currently thinking about allowing bubble networks to form. People can select 10 family members or friends to socialise with during lockdown. It is unclear how this will actually work let alone be enforced. The government is trying to balance helping people connect during this difficult time, without starting a free for all!
Who would I pick? Who would pick me? What if you put someone on your top 10, that didn’t include you in theirs? Would this be a bridge over the loneliness and isolation currently being experienced, or a stark social pariah confirmation. Ranking your family and friends in order of what? Need, love and general usefulness? Selecting friends over family? Parents over in laws? Your hairdresser over your neighbour? Could anyone carefully select 10 people without offending anyone?
Can’t wait to see how this unfolds.