Wow I really did unpack my entire life suitcase out on the lawn in the last post didn’t I? Well I’m glad you got through it, as did I and we can all keep pushing forward together.
To write about my life on the understanding that I keep it light, funny and skip out on all the messy stuff; just wouldn’t be genuine. I wouldn’t be my authentic self. I would also give the impression that I always have my shit together; that nothing phases me and I can weather every storm, without a flurry of fear or hesitation. That simply isn’t true, not by any stretch. The tears, tantrums and panic attacks over the years can attest to that. Sometimes I walk tall, proud of my strength and poise in the face of utter crap. Other times, it’s not pretty or couth at all and I’m just relieved to have survived the day.
I had a chat with my daughter last week about bravery. She said that she didn’t feel brave when she fell over at school because she cried. I held her close and reassured her as only I could.
“Crying doesn’t mean you’re any less brave my darling. Showing your feelings isn’t a weakness. Feel your feelings, all of them. You were brave. You got up and tried again”.
I love how much like me she is but I also don’t want her to grow up too much like me. I am a very emotional person. I feel I have to be strong most days but putting aside my own feelings and trying to prove I’m always coping even on days where I’m not, isn’t a good thing. That’s not bravery. I’m not sure what that is other than exhausting.
I have not told many people about my RP or my past or why I don’t drive or why the current vaccine presents such an issue for me. When talking about it all with my husband I finally uttered a sentence from way deep down inside…
“I just don’t want people to treat me differently”.
And there it is. If people knew, how would they react? Would they think less of me? Treat me differently as if I was less of a person in some way? Would I be gossip? Hot topic in the playground? Would the kids talk about me? Would my daughter hear things about me from strangers, things I have intentionally kept from her, to protect her as at this age I think it’s too much to place on her.
My job as a parent, first and foremost, is to protect my child. I will do that to the best of my ability for as long as I can. I never had the choice at her age. I never had the carefree childhood that she has and I want that to continue for her for as long as humanly possible. As her mummy, I want to give her all the things I didn’t have.
Is that why I’m ill all the time? Why my heart pounds most days? The dizzy spells, twitching and the nervous fidgeting…
Am I just exhausted trying to hold it all together? Hold it all in. Pretending to be perfectly normal even when I’m not. Trying to be a 5 year old’s version of brave? Or is it just denial? If I don’t talk about it then it won’t happen, won’t be real…
Maybe I just don’t trust anyone. I know that if any one of my family or friends carried this weight, I would want to know. I would still be there, right by their side, with the same amount of love and respect. Am I worried that I won’t get the same?
I’m doing a grand job at giving the impression that I always have my shit together; that nothing phases me and I can weather every storm without a flurry of fear or hesitation. Where have I heard that before? And there it is. I am the very definition of a walking contradiction and it’s coming at a huge cost to me. Wow, who needs a therapist? Well me clearly but that’s quite a realisation. Now I understand why people journal.
This is the kind of thought process I would have, when I used to drive. I would get in my car, be gone for hours and come back anew. Giving myself a private therapy session, usually set to music of course. I would drive out to the beach and listen to something relaxing as the sunlight faded. Life would make sense again and I would feel ok. More than ok. I would feel at home in my own skin. Not a jittery mess trying to make it through the day without letting a single element of angst drop to the floor.
My mind would be calm as I watched the ebb and flow of the water. I’d smile at the people chatting, as they walked along the promenade. Everyone is just minding their own business. Living in the moment without a care. Windows down, the cool salty breeze brushing by me. The song of choice on an evening like this…
Night swimming – REM