Don’t blame it on the sunshine
Don’t blame it on the moonlight
Don’t blame it on good times
Blame it on the stress!!
I suffer from health anxiety. I am so pleased that the previous name for this condition has been launched out the window. Hypochondria does not describe this horrifying and relentless condition at all.
Everyone knew a hypochondriac, when I was growing up. It would usually be an older woman, who allegedly would thrive on the drama of being ill and would march herself to the doctor’s office, with the slightest ache, pain or ingrown hair. Or would hear about or be close to someone, with a medical condition, then would mysteriously have all the symptoms of that same condition later that week. These symptoms would be imagined at best and all in the mind.
Health Anxiety is a different beast. It is torture for those who have it and trust me, visiting a doctor is the last thing us health anxiety folk want to do. Health anxiety is when you are constantly worried about your health but only after a symptom has emerged. You are hyper aware of that feeling in your body. Constantly checking and testing your body and seeking out reassurance that you are ok.
In the absence of doctors appointments, we would fall into the endless abyss of Dr Google, WedMD and NHS.co.uk, to name a few. Then follow the horrifying path down symptom alley, over the bridge of worst case scenarios; before reaching the town of certain death just off suffering endlessly junction! If you are still holding on at this point, you may have stumbled on to YouTube, to watch videos of other people, dealing with the illness you have convinced yourself you have. Or maybe you are on a forum with fellow anxiety sufferers or worse yet, reading posts from people who actually have been diagnosed with the disease you now fear and checking their ‘What was your first symptom’ post.
Hours, days, weeks and even months can pass in this obsessive panic stricken state. Every aspect of your daily life is affected. At times I am barely even a person. Zero ingrown hairs here. People with health anxiety actually don’t sweat the small stuff. The random shooting pain in the shoulder, the tension headache or stomach trouble…we don’t care about that. We also don’t lose a wink of sleep over a random symptom that pops up once and disappears. Unfortunately we don’t get that, we get the symptoms that appear and don’t go away. They stick around. Every single day. Disrupting our peace. They are not subtle either, they are massive roadblocks, that our body and mind can’t move.
- Dizzy spells or light-headedness
- Nausea
- Palpitations
- Muscle spasms and twitches
- Blurred vision
- Bowel problems
- Lumps or bumps in the neck or abdomen
The human body is magnificent. It’s also our own worst enemy. In the last year I have had all of these things. Some are still present months down the line. They are not normal. They are not ok. They do not stop.
I have terrified myself into thinking I have a heart problem or I’m in danger of an imminent heart attack. That I have Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. A neurological disorder like Parkinson’s or Motor Neuron Disease. Bowel cancer or an abdominal aneurysm. That’s the thing with strange symptoms that don’t go away. My brain tells me that if it was nothing, it would have gone by now.
Thanks to Covid, calling your GP for an appointment is impossible. At worst you get told to treat and manage the symptoms from home yourself. At best, you get a telephone conversation with a rushed and disinterested doctor who tells you;
“it’s probably nothing”
“Sounds like stress”
“You are too young for…”
“Might be anxiety”
Might! Probably! Oh and the dumping ground for all symptoms that don’t add up…stress.
Years ago mental health was not taken seriously. Now it’s the scapegoat for lots of scary and worrying ailments. The thing is, I’m not stressed or anxious…until I have a physical symptom. Just because I fear a disease, doesn’t mean I won’t get it. My phobia isn’t a free pass.
Fast forward to me taking antidepressants and beta blockers for crazy palpitations, because the doctors think I’m stressed. I wasn’t stressed but I am now! Why is my heart thudding like it’s about to give out? Why is my foot twitching all day and all night?
“Anxiety”. Oh yes of course, that old chestnut.
Based on a patient you have not seen. Tests that have not been carried out. There is nothing more reassuring, when you think you have heart problems or a neurological disorder, than a cast iron ‘probably ok’ over the phone.
I’m fully hydrated, don’t smoke or consume caffeine so rather than investigate, they assume stress and escort me to the antidepressants train. Well I’m on all that and guess what…still twitching and still having palpitations. Now I’m even more scared that something is wrong. The usual ‘use of stimulants’ excuse, like alcohol or caffeine, does not apply as I don’t consume them. The usual anxiety medications have done nothing so another phone consultation is completed and they are still convinced it’s stress. They now want me to talk to someone, utilising their talking therapies services.
So completing a questionnaire over the phone and talking about my feelings to a stranger, will stop my heart going nuts and my body twitching 24/7?? No echocardiogram or neuro exam? No Electromyography (EMG)? No Holter Monitor? Of course not, I’m probably fine.
I suppose if I have a heart problem or a degenerative neurological disorder, the passing of time will diagnose me without having to bother a doctor. I try and rationalise my fears, I mean, what are the chances of me having something else awful to deal with?
“When you hear hooves, think horses, not zebras.”
“The odds are that the patient has the more common diagnosis than a rare, improbable one.”
Oh yes because that’s been my exact experience up to now…oh wait, that’s a lie. I am many things my darling but I am definitely not common.
For no other reason than needing a break from my mind and giving my feet a beat to twitch to…
Blame It On the Boogie – The Jacksons