Whenever I think of a No Win Scenario, I always remember the Kobayashi Maru. The training exercise, completed by Starfleet cadets, in Star Trek. I am a Trekkie. No counselling required and no shame experienced – it’s part of my DNA. How did Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru? He didn’t cheat, he re-programmed it. He didn’t like to lose.
Wonderful concept, tied up in a beautifully confident character.
My beautifully confident toddler, is my Kobayashi Maru. My daily parenting training exercise. My no win scenario. Well, there is a winner, it’s just usually her.
My questions, requests, instructions and demands are met with a clear and succinct ‘No’. Nappy changes, getting dressed, brushing hair, cleaning teeth, putting shoes on, etc etc; are all areas to bargain. Polite doesn’t work. Threats, do not work. The promises of treats, also doesn’t work and for that; I am grateful as that’s a bad road to go down.
For the odd occasion where I think, “Sod it, stay in your Pyjamas then!”, there are 20 other times where that just isn’t an option.
My husband and I have turned to another parenting book. This book is wonderfully written, with brilliant humour and real examples of how behind closed doors – all parents come up against the same issues. The classic battle of a parent, trying to guide a child, who is striving to enjoy greater autonomy.
‘Stop battling them and they will stop battling you’.
Tripe. You stop guiding and teaching your child, they won’t suddenly think – ‘Damn, guess I better start looking after myself then and curb the shitty attitude!’’. They stop too. It’s not the battle, it’s how it’s fought. The orders, the lectures, the nagging; it all gets a little tedious; For them and for us parents. We get stroppy, they get more defiant…The No Win Scenario.
Like adults, kids just want to be heard. Noticed. Understood. Reading this new book, has helped us take a time-out and change our approach to a few things.
We now pretend to be members of a marching band, while heading to the bathroom to brush our teeth. We let her make a few more decisions of her own, within the requests we make of her. She picks her clothes to wear, shoes she may prefer that day or packs her own bag (with a little clandestine help from me). When she’s angry about having to come indoors, we talk about it and I quickly distract her with another activity. We make up more stories, involve her toys in her morning routine. We make the mundane actions of the day, more fun.
It doesn’t always work but a successfully avoided tantrum, is a win. I think this book will be read and revisited often, as we progress through the toddler years.
Yesterday was a great day, I successfully ‘re programmed my Kobayashi Maru. Everything fell into place. Today, nothing went right. I danced, I sang, I deployed all the distraction techniques, told stories, involved her favourite toys, I listened to her feelings, gave her choices and control over her decisions and all I got was a constant chorus of “No” and the business end of her hissy fit! It’s been a very long day; I’m in my marching band of one, giving it my all, to the newly made-up toothbrush song – I feel my enthusiasm wane. She had refused to do anything and everything today, this now included brushing her teeth. I just couldn’t get a win.
I sat on the floor with her – “Ok my darling, what do you want?”
“A Puppy”, she said.
“No!”. Not a chance!