In my dating life, I have had numerous relationships. Vastly different in parts and shockingly similar in others. Generally I am better in a relationship. I enjoy having a significant other. A partner in crime. A companion in all things. I want that. I don’t need that. I am fiercely independent and don’t like to need anything so I engineer my life to ensure this.
In my opinion, want is healthy, need is a disaster. I want you to be in my life. I don’t need you to be in it. That’s why they made doors, leave if you want to. This doesn’t mean I don’t love, like or respect people. It means that I respect myself enough, to not cling on or chase a situation or person, that no longer sees me as a priority.
This has happened many times in my life. For whatever reason or for no reason, I get phased out. In my relationships, I give out, support, shoulder and breathe through a lot. It only goes so far and then I need to start protecting myself. I cannot be an emotional crutch or punch bag 24/7. Especially when my level of commitment is rarely reciprocated. There is a point I reach and when I’m done, it’s done. No drama. No screaming. I walk away. Do I cry?…yes I do. I cry for what was, not what is. Do I want to be treated better by family, friends and strangers in the street?…of course. Do I need it?…no. My life will still tick over regardless.
I have a great deal to handle in my life. Many obstacles and situations to overcome. It takes balls to live the life I do. It will take courage and strength over and over as the years go by. I won’t get through it all by being a simpering idiot, that needs someone else, to do it all for her.
My point. All of you in my life. I love you. Care for you. Respect you. I will be there for you, no matter the issue, day or time. Will I repeatedly chase you and/or beg you to remember me and be a part of my life when you lose interest…no.
Do I wish I received the same level of commitment in my relationships?…with every ounce of my being but that’s life. I can’t change who I am and how fully I love but I can protect myself from the inevitable phase out.
Looking at my phone now, I can see promises from friends and family, saying that we will get together. I used to chase. I don’t anymore. Some of these promises are a year old. I think it is safe to say that I’m no longer a priority. They no longer want and need me in their life. No drama. No screaming. They walked away. Do I cry…yes I do. I cry for what was not what is.
I was chatting to a friend of mine this week. I showed her all the messages I receive from people. I felt validated when she was just as shocked and appalled. I don’t feel anything anymore. It’s happened too many times.
When trapped in a cycle of behaviour, you are often encouraged to break this cycle. Make it stop. When chasing people or leaving people to it, gets the same result, what else is there?
All anyone can do is stay true to themselves. Be the best you can be. People make time for what matters, no matter what. The hardest thing to do, is make peace with, no longer qualifying as matter.
I’m a work in progress in this respect.