I once heard health anxiety described as a water balloon. The thinking behind that was, once you squashed one hideous symptom another would pop up, right next to it and over and over it would go. The moment you have a squashed victory at one end, it would swell up on the other side. Yet another scary symptom with horrific possibilities was here again and it felt as real as the sun on your skin.
I’m sounding flippant but in reality health anxiety is horrendous. It’s like being forced to walk with your worst fears every single day. It doesn’t stop and affects every aspect of your life and can occupy every second of the day.
Health anxiety according to the NHS website:
Health anxiety (sometimes called hypochondria) is when you spend so much time worrying you’re ill, or about getting ill, that it starts to take over your life.
Not quite. We don’t just worry randomly or sit around thinking of incurable diseases, then rock up at the doctors demanding an MRI, all the time feeling physically fine. Massive misconception there. It usually starts with a symptom. A symptom that won’t go away, it may even get worse or spread. Chest pain, head ache, dizziness, pins and needles, numbness, weakness are usual suspects here.
You feel isolated. Alone. Sometimes I am in a constant state of panic. Imagine a panic attack that lasts from the moment you wake up and comes back for more the next day.
Each pain, twitch, twinge, palpitation or odd feeling, sends your brain into a tailspin. Not because it happened but because they don’t go away. You try to explain it. Ignore it. Distract yourself from thinking about it. Then it happens – the health anxiety cycle.
Asking for reassurance from others.
This literally never works for me. By the time I ask, “Hey, is this normal?” Or “Have you had this before?” And my personal favourite, “If you did have this, would you be worried?”, I’m already stressed to the hilt and never get any reassurance anyway.
Asking Dr Google
Or WebMD or NHS, whatever is your pleasure. Looking for answers, possible reasons, and a simple non scary diagnosis. Yeah that never happens either. It’s never simple and it’s most definitely always scary.
Constantly checking
Can you still feel it? Is it still there? Is it the same on the other side? Has it got worse, bigger or changed in any way…is that good? Bad?…
Constantly testing
Depending what you are worried about, these may or may not apply. If you are worried about a degenerative disease, you may check your reflexes, mobility, gait and coordination. Not just once but relentlessly. You test your eyes over and over. Check certain limbs are symmetrical to others, is there swelling or atrophy? Does the area feel numb? Can you feel hot water? A pin prick? A scratch? Checking your pulse, over and over, constantly looking at your Fitbit for heart rate data. It goes on…
Reviewing your results
Once you are on board the testing train, a thorough check of your results on a daily, even hourly basis takes place. Inputting your results into Google again… what now? Is that better? Worse? What does that rule out?
Getting Specific
Your brain has focused on one specific illness by now. It’s certain. You’re finished. Oh the possibilities:
- Heart Attack
- Heart Disease
- Blood Clot
- Stroke
- MS
- Diabetes
- Aneurysm
- Cancer
- MND
- Parkinsons
- Glaucoma
- Brain Tumour
It may have even gone further:
- Cardiomyopathy
- Abdominal Aneurysm
- Peripheral neuropathy
- Bowel Cancer
- Sepsis
Forums
If by now you are already in a complete mess. You may have loitered on a forum. These sites are where people who have the disease or supporters for people with the illness (you are convinced you have) chat and help each other. It’s 2am, you’re scared to go to sleep. Your other half and a few friends have already told you, in a loving and supportive way, that you need to chill, it’s probably nothing. You want to believe them. No one wants to be ill but your symptoms are still there. You have researched for hours, days, weeks. “It’s probably nothing” is not even close to being able to pull you back from the brink of making out your will and looking into Dignitas!
Enter stage left
Something more pressing comes along. A weirder symptom. A more painful and distracting ailment now takes centre stage. You then begin your cycle again and only after a while do you realise, your previous ‘disease’ took two weeks off. You didn’t however, you fell down another rabbit hole of heartbreak and despair. There is no relief though. Your brain doesn’t think “Ah well, it can’t be serious as the symptoms disappeared for two weeks”. No no. Your brain just starts again with vigor, “oh shit, it’s definitely bad news, the symptoms came back!”.
And on it goes…
The Generally Pointless
If you can call a GP and get an appointment (obviously pre Covid). You may get lucky and be taken seriously. They will want to rule out anything nasty as much as you. They may order some tests and that may put your mind at rest. That may be all you need to be set free from this living nightmare. However now with Covid, no one picks up your call. Or if they do you get, “it’s probably stress” down the phone and you are left alone in your cycle. No tests. No reassurance. Still feeling awful and waiting for deteriorating death.
How many times have things been missed? How many times are we told to get things checked earlier? How many times has “you’re too young for….” Or “it’s probably nothing”, been very very wrong! That brings me to my last point. Sometimes you find a good doctor who is extremely thorough. You get a clean bill of health but your brain can’t accept that or needs this further test etc. We are as scared of being ill as much as we are terrified of being misdiagnosed.
Health anxiety is deemed as a disorder that’s all in your head. We create these feelings. They are made worse by our fear and the more we think about them, the more the symptoms persist and so on. I resent this statement so much. I’ve said this before, just because you fear a disease, doesn’t mean you get a free pass from having it. If you fear cancer and then find a lump, that doesn’t mean that lump isn’t cancer.
Some people cannot pinpoint when or why their anxiety started. Some folk can almost give you the date with absolute certainty. There are usually 2 camps for us health anxiety warriors, some that have never been ill but fear it and some that have had horrific medical issues and are forever changed by it. I’m in the latter category.
During my walk with health anxiety, I have had several surgeries, major and minor. Been diagnosed with a few diseases, some manageable, curable, others not. I will delve into the specifics of my experience in the next post.
Health anxiety is truly awful. It prevents you from enjoying and living your life to the fullest. You cannot get on top of it as there is no help out there now. I am writing this as health anxiety is hugely misunderstood. People who suffer are usually dismissed as attention seeking or people who want to be ill. People who like getting tests or visiting the doctors. Trust me, we don’t! We are constantly living in fear of all of those things. We probably put off going to the doctors more than most because we’re scared of what they might say. We don’t want to feel this way and would do anything to make it stop.
If you are battling health anxiety or know someone that is, please know that you are not alone. There are many of us. Struggling in secret. Facing a daily battle that most can’t begin to fathom. Hopefully this post will give a little insight into this disorder. This is how my health anxiety presents itself, it may be different for others. Most people who know me have no idea that I have health anxiety. You never know what people are dealing with. You never know how much it has taken for some people to just get through their day at times.
‘Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. And be kinder than is necessary.’ – Dalai Lama XIV