This month, saw the tragic passing of my Aunty. She lived in Amsterdam with her husband, children and grandchildren. I met her a few times. She was my Dad’s favourite sister, he is heartbroken.
My Aunt had just got back, from her dream holiday, in Rhodes and was back at work. After a two day conference, she took herself to bed, with a headache. Her husband checked on her some time later. She was unconscious and had evidently suffered a stroke. Emergency surgery and two weeks of monitoring, scans and tests were not enough to bring her back. The damage was catastrophic. She never regained consciousness.
My Mum and Dad travelled to Amsterdam, to be at her side, before she passed away and again for her funeral. Her husband, children and immediate family are crushed. The funeral was attended by over 150 people. Family, friends and work colleagues. Yet another reminder, to those of us left behind, how short life really is. The flowers, the readings and music were beautiful. My Mum and Dad, were grieving alongside them but also witnessing a very harsh reality…
Our family in Amsterdam are united, they are so close and openly love and care for each other. They are in and out of each other’s homes, talk daily and even holiday together. They look after each other’s children, openly embrace, laugh and cry with each other. They share. They are a community. They are a family.
Back in the UK, this display of how my Aunts family operate, has definitely shaken my parents. By comparison, we are cold. Zero emotion. Zero community. A void. My parents have spoken at length and have decided that they are eager, to have this bond and open love, within their own family. Music to my ears on one hand and a sarcastic ‘best of luck with that!’ on the other.
My Aunts family are naturally like that. They connect and communicate, on a cellular level, with no effort whatsoever. They are a family. It’s what normal families do. We are not normal. I used to think we were a modern family but in truth, we are just a broken one. After years of being shut out and encouraged to sack up and handle our own shit; could my brother and I change? Our parents have a very selfish, us and them mentality, could that really change? My Dad doesn’t show any emotion so my brother and I have learnt, not to bring any to his doorstep. My mum makes everyone’s problems about her, so we never bring ours to meet the same end. As for looking after each other’s children…we don’t do that. That would require communication. It’s just not there.
There hasn’t been a massive argument. No soap-opera style showdown, that created this mess. My brother and I learnt from our parents. We learnt to rub along, not rock the boat. To keep our mouth shut and predominantly, go it alone.
There was only 18 months between my late Aunt and my Dad. A stark reminder that time keeps moving on, even if we do not. My parents know, that if this heartbreaking event, should fall upon our family – we would be finished.
We do not have the tools to unite. We do not have the ability, to even speak to each other. My Dad is cold, my mum likes to talk about herself and I honestly don’t know what music my brother likes; let alone anything else.
To hear how emotional my Dad was at the funeral. How compassionate and caring he was, to his sister’s children – melts my heart and breaks it at the same time. He never shows this humble and human side to us. To know it’s there is excellent. To know it came so easily to show someone else is awful.
The bottom line is, my parents want a family meeting. Maybe several. To talk, to build and ultimately be better. I am so on board with this. In my mind, we have years, of unspoken heartbreak to go through and put to bed. We need to be thorough. No point in leaving anything behind to stew.
As I sit in the same room as my brother, mentally counting the seconds, until I can leave without appearing rude – I have to wonder… have we left this too late? The foundations are just not there. I wish they were but whatever other families have, we just don’t.
I’m hoping that all of us, wanting to have it, will be enough…