I was chatting candidly to a girlfriend the other day, when I said the following;
‘I’m the fixer. The one that gets pulled in during a crisis. I fix the issue, then they go out to celebrate with someone else’.
I was talking about, the ever evolving, situation with quite a few of my friends. I’m forgotten most of the time. Drafted in, front and centre, when there is a problem. I write their complaints, check their wording on emails, re-write their CVs, thrash out their relationship issues etc. All this made me think I was on the A List. The go-to friend…
I am not sure what I think anymore. I used to mistake this requirement, of my time, as love, like, need or whatever. Friendship is good times and bad right? Well I do get some of their bad so that’s something. I also get my own bad too. They party with others and aside from a few days a year, I get to celebrate and/or commiserate on my todd.
I don’t have an emotional rock or team of rocks, that I can go to or depend on. I get the last minute cancellation or the message that states, they will check their diary. They will confirm nearer the time or no response at all. One of my dearest friends, who I met over 20 years ago, has been checking her schedule for 5 weeks. I’m sure she hasn’t forgotten…again.
Is this a real problem? Do I just have more time to dwell, on my lack of priority to anyone. One thing has been proven this year and that is people mean a lot more to me, than I do to them. I find out from social media that some of my friends, are really going through tough times. The problems I used to be privy to, are no longer being passed my way. When I ask about their welfare, in another vain attempt, to stay connected – I’m stone walled, the subject changed and my question skimmed over. Is this a real problem? Why do I care?
I have not done anything wrong. I don’t drop the ball; I don’t even miss a birthday. If one of my friends has a date, doctors appointment, a sick child, job interview…I will always be making contact. A message of love, a message of support, a message to boost and lift. Not out of obligation but because I care.
It’s happening on mass, for no reason. I have become digitally, virtually and physically invisible. Is this a real problem? Hell no! I’ve always wanted invisibility as a super power!!
In all seriousness though, it’s a tough break. On the flipside the common denominator, in all these friendships, is me. Maybe I am the problem. Maybe I am the crap friend. On the receiving end of ghosting aplenty. Maybe I am being phased out, rendered uncool, unnecessary and no longer required.
I named my daughter after a dear friend of mine. We have known each other for years. We live 13 miles apart and have seen each other twice in two years. I have tried in vain to remedy that. Eventually, pulling back, clinging to a shred of self respect. I stopped asking to meet, visit or spend time. It was too painful to be ignored. People are going to great lengths to bypass me. Or perhaps it’s no issue at all and I don’t even factor, in their thought process. Either way, its not a great feeling.
No arguments have taken place. No betrayal has occurred. Maybe I just need to respect my friends choices. Accept my ghost status. Be grateful for what was and move on, with love, at what is.
It’s not right but it’s okay…or at least it will be. Letting go is hard but holding onto nothing, chasing someone you no longer matter to, or waiting for people to notice you’re missing is worse. Some people in my life have made a choice. I am making a choice too.
I choose me.