March 12th always makes me feel weird. My phone very kindly reminded me of the significance of today, by sharing with me my very own selfie that I took on this day in 2019.
I gazed at that picture this morning, looking at the woman, who at that point had no clue what was about to come crashing into her day.
Yep, another anniversary has come knocking. 4 years ago today I got my diagnosis of Retinitis Pigmentosa (RP). I managed to side step the temptation to pull the duvet back over my head and ignore the day. Instead I took a long walk with my family, exploring the local area around our new home.
On this day back in 2019, I had no idea what 4 years’ time would look like or if it would look like anything at all. I watched my daughter scoot off ahead and despite the sadness that surrounds me some days, I felt grateful. Grateful to see her charge off, to watch her play, to push her on the swings, to buy her a hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows and to just be actively present.
It’s been an odd weekend really. We visited my parents and they have recently purchased a new car. My mum took me to see it and I checked it out with my usual enthusiasm. I still do love cars. She handed me the keys and just for a moment, I allowed myself to forget. Forget what I couldn’t do and just enjoy the memory of what I would have done. I slipped into the driver’s seat, ran my hands over the steering wheel, turned the key and felt the engine spring to life…if only…
4 years ago I would have given that new car a test drive there and then. My mum would have got comfy in the passenger seat, as she always preferred it when I drove and I would have taken her anywhere. It’s a great little car and I’m genuinely happy for them but it’s a bittersweet feeling. After all this time, I was hoping this feeling would go away.
I stepped out of the car and handed the keys back and congratulated them on their tidy purchase. Being happy for others, as they enjoy the simple pleasures I can’t takes work. It’s a choice. A mindset. It’s not easy but I do it anyway and will continue to do it with varying degrees of success. This disease is an arsehole but I am not.
Never let a bad situation bring out the worst in you.
To my fellow RP warriors out there who are having one of those days…I got you. Bad days are part of the journey and that’s ok. Tomorrow will be better. Keep on keeping on. Xx