“You can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore, before you decide to be happy.” – Nightbirde
What a few weeks it has been. I would love to tell you that my diary has been full of engagements, parties and shopping trips but that hasn’t been the case.
My brain has been very busy, constantly processing and perhaps over processing at times. My body has been on autopilot, functioning efficiently and getting stuff done.
June was a mix of extreme highs and disastrous lows. That low was finding out the true colours of loved ones. Finding out once again that my safe space, my people, my family, were not all they seemed.
Now, I know that you don’t get to your fourth decade, without finding out that people can let you down sometimes. You don’t get to be a card carrying member of the Generation X Club, without having someone close to you shatter your illusions, more than once. Disappointments don’t dwindle with age, I think you just get used to them. I still find it painful when someone hurts me these days, but I seem to bounce back a little quicker. Maybe I have my emotional recovery routine down or maybe I just don’t give as much of myself anymore. My whole heart is never truly broken, as I no longer give it..
My husband’s family turned on me in spectacular fashion last month. I’m still a little shocked as to how fast I was judged, ghosted and verbally attacked. I tried to speak out against bullying within the family. I was being asked to attend a wedding, where I would be forced to mingle with an individual that broke me down over the course of 2 years.
I have since moved on, moved passed and forgiven this individual. That said, my moving on, moving passed and ability to forgive, went hand in hand with knowing I would never have this toxic person in my life again. Part of my healing was to know that I could leave all that behind me.
Don’t confuse forgiveness with reconciliation.
It was so very difficult to even contemplate attending the same event with this person. I cried daily for weeks. Everything they did and said, came flooding back with shocking detail. When I mentioned my struggle to other members of the family, I honestly thought I would be wrapped in their love and reassurance. I was after all their daughter. They have claimed to love me for many years. I thought if they knew my pain, knew my struggle, they would understand.
I was very wrong. I was ghosted for 3 weeks by a family member who I held dear. Was ignored by another, who I had been there for time after time. I was verbally attacked via text by another…it was relentless. This was all happening at the same time as our heart-breaking miscarriage, I was a mess physically and mentally. It was a complete crash and burn moment. They didn’t want to know my pain or my struggle so without any information from my side, I was universally cast aside. With the groom advising that he just wanted my daughter and husband to go “if I couldn’t bring myself to come!”
We attended the wedding. My husband, daughter and I braved the long road and did our duty. My husband’s brother shut down any attempt my husband made to talk. At breakfast I couldn’t even look at my in-laws. I was quite happy for my Father in Law to chat about anything to break the silence, only to have my Mother in Law stop him mid story, telling him that I didn’t want to hear anymore. Once again, I didn’t do or say anything but I clearly didn’t matter.
We didn’t feel welcome and at times our treatment was icy at best. My brother in law who would usually throw his arms around me with a big familiar smile, looked at me like I was nothing. Why were we guilted into attending just to be treated like this? I guess further punishment was needed. All I did was say that I was struggling with the prospect of having to see this person again. I should have done what I did on the day; swallow my pain, accept that no one cared and kept my big mouth shut.
My husband was wonderful. Unlike the bullying I received years before, the treatment I have received now, has happened right in front of him. I think the day his own father snapped at our then 4 year old girl, was a pivotal moment. Whoever these family friends are, they are clearly further up the pecking order than us. He has seen with his own eyes. Heard with his own ears, the truth. It’s painful but in my own truth I take heart.
In the 5 years since I escaped the toxic environment, I’ve done the work on myself. I seeked guidance from others, from my peers and even from a Senior Minister at my local church. I know my worth again.
Now on the other side of the wedding, messages have been exchanged and our feelings and pain have been laid bare. This was met with zero apology, compassion or understanding. Just a defensive attitude trying to justify their actions.
When this wasn’t going their way they changed tack and became snappy that my daughter had a rather packed schedule around her birthday. It was on a Monday so I invited family, including them, to attend an afterschool get together at the house; they declined due to work commitments. My daughter had parties to go to both weekends either side so I was just trying to make room for everything. They were irritated that they were “being forced into a position whereby they had to negotiate a time to see their grandchild”.
I once again apologised for this and explained that my daughter’s birthday, her friends’ parties, pre-arranged play dates, their full time jobs and their other commitments, were not my fault and I was not keeping my daughter busy out of spite. I didn’t get a response.
I thought I had unconditional love from my husband’s family all this time. Such a shame that what I actually had was love with conditions, conditions I no longer meet. I wish I was privy to their terms and conditions when I first met them. I do wish I had known sooner but it’s ok – I know now. This has been a crushing experience. There were days I felt I had no one and everything I thought I had was dust.
Just like I did 5 years ago, I have once again stepped away from the pain. No big drama. No scene. I just carefully lifted myself out of that environment. My heart is big but it’s fragile. I’m taking a time out for myself. I know I am worthy of unconditional love and a bit of Savage Garden.