I was thankful for the Easter Break last month. I love having my little mini me home for the holidays.
We packed loads into the two weeks. Days out at the beach, exploring woodlands, adventure playgrounds, playdates, Easter Egg hunts and my daughters first ever train ride.
I gave it my all as in the back of my mind, the whole time, was the 19th April.
After 3 years of cancellations and delays, I was finally going back to the eye hospital for a check up. After months of scary symptoms and chasing doctors, I was also having a 24 hour heart monitor fitted so they could check my ticker in real time. Guess what? Both appointments came through, for two different hospitals, on the same day!
I knew the day was going to be rough but rescheduling was not an option. I was going to push through. There is only one thing worse than an appointment – the waiting for it to roll around.
My husband came with me and our day of hospitals, illustrated once again, how very different we are. My husband is rambling on, wanting to chat, talking about this and that; oh and packing food. I’m the opposite. I’m in the zone. Silent. No talking. No drinking, no eating. I’m in a just-get-it-done headspace. Hospital appointments are long. Many tests, many people, painful drops and a dose of bad news at the end for dessert. I just needed to get through it. I just needed to survive it.
My anxiety was through the roof in the waiting area. On the outside I was polite, making jokes with the nurses and mentally checking off each stage of this horrific ordeal. Inside I was a mess. A new scary physical ailment presented itself. My left eye was actually pulsing, I could see my vision flickering. I was freaking out. I have my scan and we wait some more. With each stage of the eye assessment, comes another waiting area. Time is dragging by.
I get called into a private room. That’s usually a bad sign. There is only one doctor sitting there, another bad sign. There were no students eagerly awaiting their opportunity to see a rare disease in progress; it was just the doctor and I. Oh just say it so I can leave!
Turns out. It was ok. I mean, I’m still going blind and still have a disease they can’t do anything about but at present, I’m stable; which is the best I could hope for. I asked about the pulsing eye with the flickering vision and the doctor said,
“Probably anxiety, once you leave here, it will be gone.”
He was right.
I was so relieved but also a little freaked out by the strange and scary things the body can do when stressed.
Next up was Cardiology. After 10 minutes, I was all wired up and sent home. Hiding all the wires from my daughter as I didn’t want to scare her was tough. Visiting the toilet with this electronic appendage was awkward and sleeping with it? I’m just glad it was only for one night.
April 19th was over. Tests done. Next appointment for eyes will be in 1-2 years. Results of the heart monitor will be with me in about 4 weeks.
It has taken a good few weeks for me to recover from that day, mentally and physically. I still don’t feel 100% but with health anxiety icing my medical cake, it’s hard to hit that target. Right now I’m trying to make peace with just trying my best. I faced a big fear, I showed up for myself and I’m proud.