Been feeling like a failure of late. Just putting that out there. Lockdown has heightened these emotions.
I’m feeling a bit of a useless article.
In the immediate, I feel like I can’t help more people or contribute to the greater effort. Since the restrictions have come in, I’m doing even less. I don’t even shop for grocery supplies; my husband does that.
Logically he does it as he has the car and indeed the driving license, so he can just pop in and out, late at night when it’s quiet. If I went I would have to take the bus and our 3 year old and join a queue with the masses, in the middle of the day. Masks are compulsory on public transport and my daughter is pulling hers off within 2 minutes. My husband prefers to take on this responsibility at the moment, from his point of view, it’s minimising our infection risk.
Am I about to overthink some stuff here? Probably. Let’s go…
In a world where you can always be more and have more. Being content and happy with your life, can sometimes be seen by others as lacking drive and ambition. A good life is great but don’t you want more?
More what?
Money, property, kids, responsibilities, options, time off, time out, qualifications, status, friends, likes….
Money
I have always felt the money struggle since being a stay at home mum. Not having my own money or bringing in an income; that helps towards the household running costs has been a bruise to my ego.
Property
We are currently renting and the normal desire to buy our own home, seems like a pipe dream at best right now. With rental payments so high, there is zero capacity to save for the astronomical deposit needed, to gain access to the property ladder.
Children
I always thought I would have more children. I don’t feel like a full member of the mum club, having only one. I know that must sound ridiculous. Time ran out. I started late. The risks are too high now I’m older. We were trying for another baby when RP strolled into my life. I’m convinced (without any professional confirmation), that my eyesight took a battering during and after pregnancy. My sight is now on borrowed time and I am not keen to press fast-forward on that. I see siblings play all the time. I watch family movies and laugh at the chaotic beauty of a home filled with children; laughing, arguing and making a mess.
In truth, I wanted to create a big family. I didn’t have that growing up. I feel like I have even less of a family now my brother and I have grown up and grown apart. I wanted to build my own family. I wanted to create what I never had and what I still miss today. My daughter wants a brother or sister. She is surrounded by children with siblings and always asks who her brother or sister is. It hurts a little bit more, every time I have to remind her, that she doesn’t have one. I know I have to make peace with this and I hope I will in time but it is hard and painful in a way I don’t understand.
Responsibility
I have the biggest and most amazing responsibility of all. My beautiful daughter. I’m busy every day. I fall asleep easily, exhausted and in need of the rest. However, when I get overwhelmed, I am reminded that I have it so much easier than others;
“You think you’re tired? Try having a job alongside that.”
“You only have one child, try having 2.”
Options, time off and time out
Huge grey area here and it all depends as to what counts as success in these areas to the individual. Options for flexible working, both in hours and location, would be great for me in the coming months when my daughter returns to school. Time off from a relentless schedule. Whether that be a 9 – 5 job or the constant cooking, cleaning, prepping and planning, that comes with looking after a family. Time out would be time to myself. Not necessarily alone but time to be me without the constant mummy alert function activated.
Qualifications
I would love to ‘skill up’ but as usual I have no idea what area to acquire new skills in. My sight closing in has also put a big fat element of panic on that. What do I learn now that I can still do when…
Status.
Ah yes my lofty position both professionally and socially… next!!
Friends and Likes
Most grown ups know all too well that these two are not the same thing. My friends circle is small but special to me. Since leaving the employment circuit and becoming a stay at home mum with limited financial resources; many friends have drifted away and opportunities to hold on to relationships or cultivate new ones have disappeared. The lunch time coffee, after work drinks and work do’s, are no longer part of my calendar. At times it really is out of sight out of mind.
Even my beautiful network work of friends would at times, prefer to hang with my daughter than me. The offers to babysit come flooding in. The offers to take me out do not. It does make me laugh. I don’t need childcare to spend time alone. I would like to go out and have fun. Have lunch, shop or have a spa day with a girlfriend, relaxed in the knowledge that my daughter is happy and looked after. I want to come back home feeling rejuvenated, not isolated.
I don’t have Facebook, Instagram or Twitter so the need to get likes passes me by. I am much happier without social media. Years ago when I had Facebook, I had over 250 friends… I’ve never had 250 friends, not even close.
Feeling like a failure is not a great mindset to be in. I am trying to shake it off. There are days, weeks and even months where I feel like I just don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve read the books. Trying not to be so hard on myself. I guess it’s hard to plan for the future, when I’m scared to look too far ahead.
“Stay afraid, but do it anyway. What’s important is the action. You don’t have to wait to be confident. Just do it and eventually the confidence will follow.”
Carrie Fisher
I’m feeling the pressure to emerge from lockdown with a plan. Like all this time shut away should naturally give birth to an epic light bulb moment! It hasn’t.
I guess taking things one day at a time isn’t a bad thing. Right now, I don’t have all the answers. Not a single one but I refuse to be crushed by this.
Baby steps and all that.
Whitney Houston – Step by Step
Written by Annie Lennox.