This year is my 10 year anniversary of having Ulcerative Colitis. Doctors mark this occasion, by marching you into the Endoscopy Department, for a Colonoscopy. Seriously…I would have preferred a bottle of wine.
A colonoscopy is a thorough examination of the large intestine. Let’s call a spade a spade. It’s a camera on the end of a long flexible tube, that’s put up your butt…all the way up your butt…to the very end!
It’s quite a process and I’m not just talking about the butt probing. You need to prepare your body and make sure your large intestine is clear. The preparation takes 3 days, with the procedure, taking place on the 4th day.
Day One. A Low Residue diet, is to be followed. This diet limits high-fiber foods, like whole-grain breads and cereals, nuts, seeds, raw or dried fruits and vegetables. No potatoes people! No fruit and no veg!!
Day Two. The very same. You want eggs? Cheese? Lean meat? – have at it! Still no cereals, potatoes, biscuits, crisps, vegetables or fruit. I felt like I was following the Atkins Diet!
Day Three. Intake reduced to clear fluids only and 3 sachets of laxative. Water, juice and squash (without pulp), black tea and black coffee were permitted. I was in a bad way. Energy had buggered off and left me to rot. I was cold and starving and I will spare you the bathroom details.
Day Four. Camera up the ass day! I was nervous, starving and wondering what 10 years of my invisible illness, had done to my insides. The first nurse to see me was amazing! He was chilled, down to earth and so fine…moving on. We went through the plan and I decided to bin my sedation idea. I was feeling confident. I can do this on gas and air. We moved on to the colonoscopy wardrobe. Well that was just shit on a stick! I had to choose, between an assortment of gigantic dish cloths, to wear around my torso. I opted for a soft pink colour. Then I was drawn to a pack of navy items – these were labelled dignity shorts. I was feeling far from dignified at this point. I slipped a pair on as this would at least, prevent my bare ass, from swinging in the breeze around the ward.
The waiting room was small. Another lady, about my age, was also there and we got on famously. Nothing like a bowel disease, to tear down the barriers, of a first time introduction.
As I lay on the bed, with what I can only assume, was 3 feet of tube up my jacksy – I was calm. That will be the gas and air. I was chugging on that thing, like a woman from ‘One Born Every Minute’. The twists and turns of the camera and the white noise of the nurses chat, was slowly disappearing. I was having an out-of-body experience. I was on the table but in a movie. Specifically ‘The City of Angels’ film. I was in the library. I saw all of the angels come to the balcony, to watch Meg Ryan leave. The background noise, that was once so faint, was now deafening… what was happening?
One of the nurses spoke to me. I could hear her clearly, I was back in the room. I reassured her I was ok and the procedure continued. I was as high as a kite. I felt nothing, then I heard a cry…it was me. I felt a nurse’s arm around me, the procedure was stopped. I was pretty out if it, when they told me what happened. According to the report, I have a loopy large intestine and they ran out of scope equipment. Examination was incomplete. Everything looked normal up to this point. Mapping biopsies had been taken but I have to repeat all of this again, in three months time!
I was relieved that nothing sinister had been identified. I was also bloody annoyed, that the scan had not been completed. So 3 months from now, I will be back here. The same basic program – 4 days, 3 sachets, 2 fried breakfasts and 1 camera!
Fuckadoodledoo.
For now, I’m back on the ward, dressed and heading towards the nearest cafe. I’m so hungry. The barista makes eye contact and asks with a smile;
“Good Morning! What can I get you?”
EVERYTHING!