“Life doesn’t get easier or more forgiving, we get stronger and more resilient.” – Steve Maraboli
Well isn’t that a bummer. There was me hoping that life would get easier for all of us at some point and the strength and resilience that are acquired, with the passing of time, would only ever be needed on the odd occasion.
This quote is proving so true for my life. It definitely hasn’t got easier for me. It’s been challenging from day one.
As expected, two UK lockdowns this year have given me far too much time to think. Time to drink far too much tea. Eat way too much chocolate and think some more. Old stuff. New stuff. It’s all circling the same delightful drain.
Do they like me?
My social life at present consists of a brisk walk to school with my daughter and the brief exchange of pleasantries with passing mothers.
“Morning”.
“Good weekend?”
“How’s it going?”
Nothing too taxing. Nothing too anything really. No friendships seem to be forming. We are all being very polite, which I guess is nice but are we just filling awkward silences with chit chat. Chit chat is great but every day asking the same questions and giving the same pleasant responses gets a little tedious.
I probably wouldn’t notice if I had more of a conversational outlet but at the present time, this is it.
Am I enough?
I never know if I’m being spoken to because I’m just there and to not be rude or if these parents actually like to shoot the breeze with me. I have been burned so many times by people before so I tend not to push myself into social circles. Last week I felt a bit low so I kept myself to myself. One thing I did notice was that no one really made conversation with me. Was I giving off a vibe? Am I usually the one starting the chit chat? Oh God, if the latter is true, am I in danger of being the turd that won’t flush?
Sorry to be rather graphic but it was the only way I could think of, to describe this possible situation. Were people just being civil with me? Humouring me? Another thing that happens is that parents will often say hello or good morning to my 4 year old, without even giving me the time of day. Is that a thing?
I guess I should expect to receive a text, from another mother asking my daughter for a coffee morning or possibly a brunch; where they can cheerfully chew the fat, about the challenges of navigating life in 2020!
This is raking up some really old and not so old feelings and insecurities. Check out my post Tough Circles.
Maybe I’m just not mummy mate material. Do I scare them? Maybe I’m not cool enough? What do they think of me? Do they think anything of me? It’s usually at this point I have another cup of tea and a sneaky piece of chocolate.
Today, I was wrapping some Christmas gifts and in the bottom of my shopping bag was a foil wrapped chocolate Santa. It was going to be a stocking filler but the foil had ripped so I couldn’t in good conscience give that as a present so I did what any self respecting mother would do. I took one for the team and ate it.
Do they like me?
Do I even like myself?
Right now, it’s so much easier to revert back into my comfortable introverted shell. Putting myself out there with as much confidence as I can muster, only seems to leave me with more questions and anxiety
Do we all feel like this?
I miss that chocolate Santa…