All the baby books, online forums and movies did not prepare me for one thing. The Village.
It’s an African proverb that states: It takes a Village to raise a child.
Beautiful. What if you don’t have that Village. What if you thought you had it but your new arrival signalled a mass exodus. Or maybe it was never there in the first place. Then what?
Simple things are so much harder with a baby. I may be a mum but I still have to visit the dentist, the GP, the hairdresser, have a bikini wax. Take my car to a garage for its annual MOT and service. This week I had to have a routine ultrasound carried out. Once again, some help in the childcare department was required.
In my case this involves asking my mum weeks in advance and hoping she is free. Unfortunately for me I am very limited on assistance. Mine and my husband’s parents still work full-time. With the exception of my dear mum who is part-time. Our respective brothers and sisters all have jobs and/or children of their own. We don’t have any parent friends that can help out as most of our friends fall into two camps. No Kids and Kids at school – therefore adult life has resumed.
Tricky situation. I have lost count of how many appointments and arrangements I have cancelled. My scan was on the chopping block this week, I just could not get anyone to help me and my attempt to take my little madam with me failed. I do love a good temper tantrum first thing in the morning, it sets me up so nicely for the rest of the day! My little girl goes from delicious to distraught the moment I leave her. She now insists on accompanying me to the toilet. Who would have thought that this bodily function required a plus one! How do other mums do it? The Village.
In the Village there is usually, retired grandparents chomping at the bit to assist with a baby. A sibling or two that can offer some respite. A few stay at home Mum/Dad friends who are happy to adopt ‘the more the merrier’ approach. Maybe other mums have gone back to work and have nursery care in place and can jiggle that to make room for an appointment. In the Village, you have options.
The only thing I see when I look at my Village is tumbleweed. Even my husband is absent most of the time as he works tirelessly to support us.
So to all the mums going it alone. I salute you. Some days I feel empowered by the fact that it’s just me. Other days I can’t quite work out how it happened this way.
I can’t afford to go back to work and pay for childcare. I could not afford NCT antenatal and postnatal classes when I was pregnant. Therefore the ‘lifelong’ friendships that you are supposed to find in those places, I never made. My existing friends are either busy with their own jobs, older children and social lives or in some unfortunate instances…have forgotten me altogether.
I am not glum about it however. I just wanted to put another perspective out there. Not all women have a network of support built-in or have the facility to create a new one. Sometimes it just doesn’t happen like that.