I get a few of these every year. We all get them I guess. There is nothing quite like the power of a bad day.
It completely derails me. Shakes up all my values, thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it’s triggered by someone else. Sometimes I set it off myself. One of those days, when I wake up feeling overwhelmed, ugly and hopeless all at the same time.
Panic attacks like to meet up on this day. Friends take that little bit longer to reply, on this day. It’s an emotional train wreck. Everyone and their mother, seems to be winning at life. Going on their 3rd holiday this year, smashing marathons, buying new homes, in blissful relationships, picture perfect images, toned physiques, flawless makeup…on and on and on.
Things are not perfect. Not for me. Not today. Not by a mile. I am having an ugly day. Brace yourself.
It’s a photo or my own reflection, that sends my little world into a spin. I’m nice. I’m funny. I’m intelligent. I would also trade in all that crap, for a bit of pain free symmetry!
Facial paralysis is no joke. Aside from the constant and daily discomfort, it’s the treatment from others. The looks, the comments and the assumptions. The jobs I don’t get considered for. The women that won’t give me the time of day. The men that refuse to acknowledge me as friend material. The social media addicts, that photograph and share their entire lives, accept the bit they share with you. It goes on.
Why has this happened to me? What did I do? The past, the present, the future, it’s all rattling around in my brain simultaneously.
With the world becoming more appearance obsessed, I can expect my experience to get worse. I am surrounded by awesomely stunning individuals. The supremely photogenic kind. The ones that could take the perfect selfie, with no makeup on, mid bowel movement in a portaloo!
I am one of those people, that actually has a good side. The side that works. Taking a picture of anything else is redundant. I’m not throwing a pity party, it’s a fact. My husband insists on taking photos of me, regardless of my good angles. This is not a love unconditional, that sees no imperfections. This is a man, that refuses to acknowledge my feelings and factual truth.
I can only imagine the hardship of a person, that can work the camera and get their Vogue on, at the drop of a hat. Must be rough. I delete more photos than I take. I always hope my chosen picture, captures the exuberance of my personality, rather than stark reality of my reflection.
Makeup makes no difference. According to the rules, you are supposed to accentuate, your lips or eyes – not both. I don’t really want to draw attention to either. ‘Smile because it makes others wonder what your thinking’. No – when I smile, people just wonder what the fuck happened. Smiling and laughing makes everything bad, about my appearance, more pronounced. Today I am miserable and it would appear, I look better being so.
Does my daughter look like me? The me I should have been? I need to put a pin in all this.
Focus on the positive. Focus on the positive. Appreciate the little things…
Like being able to close my eyes properly, I would really appreciate that. Being able to feel the rain on my eyelids, that would be amazing. Being able to smile and show that I actually have perfect straight teeth. Being able to laugh, without looking like I’m having a seizure. I have missed the point…the pin fell out.
Focus on the positive. Focus on the positive.
Still struggling to see anything vaguely upbeat about my situation. There is always tomorrow…
Today is just a bad day.