Sat in reception, waiting for my meeting with the Minister; I couldn’t help but have a last minute flap. What am I doing here? What am I going to say? I have not even read the Bible! I’ve read parts of it but my knowledge is weak at best. How would he feel knowing that I was meeting him for two reasons:
- Spiritual. I needed him to help me make sense of all the odd things that have happened recently. Including how I came to find him in the first place.
- Medical. I was presented with an opportunity to meet a fellow RP sufferer. One that seems happy and successful. Had a wife, children and a busy career. From my rather overwhelmed mindset, I was hoping to find inspiration.
He meets me in the lobby and leads me upstairs to his office. He is completely at ease. I’m the one that feels awkward and over conscious about getting in his way. After introductions and pleasantries, I get straight to the point. I tell him that I’m new to the Church and the reasons why I left my last one. I’m upfront about my level of expertise in the good book and the emotional breakdowns; I have had after his last 3 sermons. The Gospel singer that was filling my YouTube watch list, my sister in laws prayer…all of it.
Once I started, I couldn’t stop. I told him how I came to know about the Church and him and the delightful medical condition we have in common. He listened intently the whole time giving nothing away. I sat there hoping he didn’t think I was a total nutcase, that had been stalking him on the internet. I searched his face trying to read the room…he smiled.
He completely reassured me about sobbing in Church. He confirmed that people were moved and emotions reached, almost every week. Everyone has their own story and sometimes a particular piece of scripture, can really touch your heart. It might lift you. It might upset you. That will depend on where you are in your life and what issues you carry with you.
He had zero judgement about my lack of Bible knowledge. Everyone starts in the same place. He completely understood why I left the Church before and why I assumed I would never go back. What happened to me, unfortunately, was not rare. The danger of the Bible being open to interpretation, is that it can be used in a self serving capacity by anyone. Some also pass on their opinions of the scripture, not the actual words used. This opinion is passed on and followed over and over. The Bible is not a list of rules to live by. It’s God’s word to his children. The Old Testament and The New Testament. Different times. Before and after Jesus Christ. It’s a book that we will always have questions about. Questions we should feel entitled and encouraged to ask. Answers that we can talk about openly and try understand.
The relevant sermons, the prayer, the songs? All this stuff (not articulate I know!), seem to be happening just at the right time, just for me. What’s happened?
“You bumped into God”, he said.
Bumped? I feel like I have been running flat out down a hill, only to land face first in a puddle. When I look up, with mud on my face, it was like He was standing there looking at me. He had one question…”Have you finished?”
The truth is, I have finished. I’ve tried so hard and I’m exhausted. Tried to be the best, be more, be less, be strong, be liked, be completely self sufficient, be vulnerable, be in control, be beige, be agreeable. I have tried to carry the weight of my past, present and future alone. When I find out that A, B and C is wrong, then I stop the A, B and C. I adjust, only to find that the goal posts have moved again and there is something else, I could have done more, less better…
I want to quiet the chaos in my mind. The constant how, who, why, what and when about my health, my family, my friends, my finances, my future.
According to the Minister I need to trust God more. Pray. Know that I am never alone. If I’m always looking for all the facts, evidence and proof of every detail before I move – where is the faith? The music I have started listening to, may have been put there for me to find. My way of being ‘reached’ and/or spoken to. I may not know what to believe at this point but from a lyrics perspective – its right on the money!
The RP conversation, took us along a different path. Our mutual love of sarcasm helped us dive into this topic. He is blind. He couldn’t see me. He could make out my silhouette but that’s it. In his 50s, he started losing his vision in his 20s and had night vision problems before that. He knew the tests, he knew the doctors I saw and even though, he makes a success out of it – the mindset takes work. Prayers from him, his family and his church over the years – have not worked. Or at least, not how we think they should. How do you keep moving forward in faith and the belief in the power of prayer, when this religious man continues to deteriorate? There are no answers, only the belief that God has a plan and no where in the Bible does it say that we will all understand it.
Ever the optimist, I felt moved to say that on the plus side, our vision hasn’t just gone. It takes time, we had/have time. His take was that time is a double edged sword. It’s the constant chipping away at our vision. The small changes and constant adjustment, to an ever-changing disease, that can be just as hard to deal with. He stopped himself saying anything further but I probed him. The one thing that he struggles with, is not seeing his daughter get married. He stopped as this too will be something that I will deal with. The only reason I’m not as emotional about it, is part of me has already made peace with that. Nothing to do with my eye disease but more of an age situation. I am 41 with a 3 year old. I have done the maths, as most older mothers do. He on the other hand is in his early 50s with kids rapidly approaching 20. It’s just different milestones I guess. He also told me of the incredibly close bond he has with his daughters. The beautifully kind and considerate adults, they are becoming.
Stem cell treatment and gene therapies are in the works but they have been in that state for years. In the 23 years I have known of this disease, there hasn’t been a treatment, operation or cure yet. I’m as hopeful as the next girl but not deluded. It’s sad however that my Minister’s RP, has progressed so far that he has very little usable vision left so is not a viable candidate for clinical trials. He came close to one but it was cancelled at the last minute.
He enjoys his life. Prefers the company of everyone and anyone, not just the visually impaired. If anything he tends to avoid VIP specific activities and events, as he just wants to live his life and not be placed in a box. He hasn’t learnt braille. He is fine with his cane and has many people around him, to help him get from A to B. That’s one of the reasons he doesn’t have a dog.
We talked candidly and honestly together about our childhoods, parents and monumental life situations, both good and bad that have shaped us. We were both dealt a tough set of cards before RP even entered our lives. That may make us more interesting people but I think we could both use a prayer. I shared more with him in 150 minutes, than I have done with family or close friends in years. We are both classic examples, of people who outwardly look like we have everything together but are privately working to keep the wheels on track at times.
As our chat came to a close, I found myself actually forgetting he was blind. He prayed over us and we said our goodbyes. I feel like we know each other so well, like an old friend you can’t remember not having. It’s odd also to know, that we won’t share a knowing smile or an acknowledging nod, as we pass each other every Sunday. He knows so much about me but can’t even see I’m there. I’m looking forward to next Sunday, when I can tap him on the shoulder and let him know it’s me. I will watch my story fill his mind once again and see that knowing smile.
Wherever this Church path is leading, I know I was meant to meet him and I’m so glad I did.