‘Can you remember who you were, before the world told you, who you should be?’ – Danielle LaPorte.
This quote really spoke to my heart this week. My immediate and rather sarcastic answer to that question was:
Five. I was five years old. I had dreams. I sang. I danced. I believed in fairies. I was kind and carefree. I laughed with free abandon. I didn’t care what I looked like. I thought my parents were superheroes. I thought I was special and had something to offer the world. I thought I was born different for a reason. I didn’t think of the future, let alone be scared by it. I believed I could do anything and that I would do everything.
There was no one point, where all that changed. Life is a series of massive, medium, small and almost unnoticeable, curveballs, changes, chances, adjustments, trials and adventures. Sometimes you get to a point in your life when you realise, you are so far from where you were or where you thought you would be; it’s scary to ask the questions:
How did I get here? What the hell just happened? What do I do now?
My thoughts on this go far beyond career choices and cash flow. I’m 35 years away from that 5 year old girl. I no longer believe in fairies unfortunately. I know for a fact that my parents are not infallible superheroes. I still sing and dance, just in my own living room. I still believe I have something to offer the world. Special? Maybe not. Can I do anything? Will I do everything? No.
Since becoming a mother and now with rather challenging health issues; I have noticed one thing. I have become far too focused on being a human doing, than a human being. Judging my successes and my contributions in life, in terms of the tasks, errands and jobs I complete. I gloss over who I am as a person. My heart. My kindness. My compassion. My personality. My patience. My strength. My loyalty.
I can’t remember if my house was tidy when I was growing up. Was the kitchen sink clear of dishes? Was the washing clean and always put away? Were all emails, banking requirements, deliveries and diary commitments addressed and squared away in a timely fashion? Who knows. In truth, none of that really matters.
I am not suggesting we should all be evacuated from whatever rat race we identify with, live off the grid, in homes that have not seen the business end of a duster in 10 years! That would be odd and a little gross. There just needs to be balance.
I am still a good person, even if all the balls, that I am juggling in the air, at any one time fall to the floor. Being a stay at home mum and anticipating my rather scary future, I have changed and not necessarily for the better in all circumstances. I now put so much pressure on myself to continue to be 100% productive. 100% effective. 100% in control of everything. 100% OK.
- I got it.
- I’m on it
- Consider it done
- Yup, no worries
- Will do that today
- Tomorrow
- This week.
If I don’t, will I be judged? Assumed to be less? Someone to pity? Am I judging me? Do I feel the need to race through everything to feel valued?
The world has told me I need to be perfect. Absolute. No exceptions.
I wasn’t born perfect. Not by todays or anyone standards. As an adult, I am always trying harder, running faster, showing people what I can do and how fast I can do it. Trying to attain the impossible perfect. Some people notice and are impressed. Others look down at or humour me and there are those that don’t notice what I do. They only notice what I’ve missed or didn’t do fast enough.
As the years go by and my vision becomes more challenging, I can’t help but think about the things I won’t be able to do. I think about all the things I will still be able to do, just slower. I’m consumed by the ‘less’ of it. I am currently a 40 year old human doing, missing my 5 year old human being.
How did I get here? What the hell just happened?
I happened. My life unfolded and I lost who I was and what I wanted to be in the mess of it.
What do I do now?
In the absence of having that answer; I am hoping that having faith, that I will figure it out – will be enough.